If tomorrow is
The Rapture then I pretty much wasted my last full day on earth. It'd be a shame if God decided to destroy everything that he has made - or at least abandon it (is that what happens?). The world is pretty cool. I'd leave it running if I was Him.
But if He just wants to take all the religious people up into Heaven and leave the rest of us to get on with it down here then I am cool with that. I think that's a win/win situation. But only if He takes all the religious people. And if He does that I think there might be some fighting going on up in Heaven.
But imagine a world with no religious people. Might be pretty cool. Would we find other stuff to kill each other over? Doubtless. Would we be kicking ourselves when we thought of where we could have been if we'd just believed in something ridiculous and seemingly imaginary? Maybe.
Is it a coincidence that my tour also ends tomorrow? What if I AM Jesus? What if it all begins in Folkestone? I can tell you a few Christians who won't be coming up to Heaven with me if I am. There's going to be some red faces in Lowestoft and Glasgow if that's what happens.
But just in case this is the last Warming Up, thanks for tagging along for the last few years. It's been fun. If I am Jesus you can all come into Heaven whatever you've done. Because if I was Jesus and was going to base a religion around forgiveness I'd feel a bit of a prick not forgiving people myself. Regardless of whether they were sorry or not. Especially regarding something that was based only on faith. Would you leave someone to die in horrible pain because they had essentially made a wrong guess? I wouldn't. So if I am not Jesus then I think I am definitely better than Jesus. Better at being a Christian. More loving of mankind. A bit less of a prick. But that's only if Jesus is the kind of Jesus to do a Rapture. My guess is that even if He was, once He's read this pretty direct satire of his behaviour He'll have another think and let it go. Don't be disappointed evangelical Christians if the Rapture doesn't go ahead. He might still be there.
It was hard to work knowing the world might not be here on Sunday. You can start to understand why Jesus kept going on about not working or having possessions or caring about whether the Romans took tax off him, because He also thought the world was about to end (check your gospels - it's still in there). You'd think He would have known for sure if He was a part of God, but turned out that He didn't get it quite right. So if Jesus got the date of the end of the world wrong, then what are the chances that some blokes in America know?
Of course that's not to say that the world as we know it might not just end anyway. Would it be good to live each day as if it was your last? Because I think you'd probably slip into lethargy rather than get anything done.
That's not the reason I didn't get much done today. I was just tired and my brain wasn't playing ball. Which is a pisser because I don't have much time to sort out my BBC script now. But I did do a bit of work on it and on my SCOPE programme so all was not lost.
But it will be tomorrow if Jesus has his way.
If he turns up on a bike you will know for sure that it was my fault. So-reeee.
