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The positive thing about being ill is that it makes being not (so) ill any more feel almost euphoric. The norovirus had turned what was solid into liquid (at both ends) and what was gas into liquid (at both ends), in fact liquid was the only thing unaffected by this evil disease, which is odd because our bodies are mainly liquid. I am no scientist but surely the cure to this disease would be temporarily make us 100% liquid and thus the disease could not take hold. Or is it in fact that that is what the norovirus is attempting to do, so the solution is to temporarily make us completely solid or gaseous? It’s one or the other. It’s not my job to work out which. I’ve given you the theory for nothing, lazy scientists. You can do the fine tuning.
Also on the plus side the illness made me properly tired and I slept pretty much non-stop for 12 hours for the first time in a long time. I haven’t really needed a holiday as I have been slacking so far this year, but there were positives to having an enforced one. And the loss of appetite has been a much needed shot in the arm for the 2015 diet. Screw my other diet book idea - the Grub Diet is the winner. Lose up to half a stone in 48 hours by hanging around with the most disease ridden man in the UK. Or failing that, by eating some grubs that you have found under a stone in a bog (though it’s better if you know that those grubs have been hanging out with Grub Smith, the source of all disease - some are beginning to believe that rat syphillis originated with Grub and that he gave it to the poor innocent rats). Not only do you lose weight, but you feel so comparatively good after you have recovered that it makes you feel elated to be alive. On Sunday I was fit and well but did not appreciate how lucky I was. It took a day of liquifying everything inside me to make me realise how wonderful being healthy actually is. Grub gave me the greatest gift a man can give a man. And he gave those rats the greatest gift a man can give a rat.
I had been more worried about my wife and baby, but Catie was much better and the baby is fine and thankfully has not chosen this difficult time to eject from its disease-ridden host body. Giving birth has its tricky moments, but to do it when your body contains literally no nutrients would be far from ideal. And it would be awful to think that Grub Smith had managed to help determine the date of my child’s birth. I think we’d have to call the infant Grub, as a warning. Grub Herring. It’s not the nicest of images.
I had a bit more energy than my wife and managed to potter around a bit and try to catch up on some work and descale the coffee machine (although that was probably a mistake as the descaling solution smelled bad and made me nauseous). I am trying to get a couple of weeks ahead with my Metro column in case the baby ejects any time soon, but my brain was not quite back to full operational mode.
I made some pancakes for dinner, something that I had never done before alone, but my recuperating wife fancied pancakes and when I asked her what her last slave died of she said it was the norovirus, so I thought I’d better do as she said. Two of the four turned out pretty well and I ate the bad ones to hide the evidence, but I got a ridiculous sense of achievement for managing to cook possibly the simplest single dish in the history of the human race. So my domestication continues. The other day I managed to repair a loose door handle by substituting the screws for longer screws. I don’t understand why the regular screws were no longer long enough after several years of holding the handle in perfectly well, but my longer screw solution worked perfectly. Who said I wasn’t technical. I’ve cured the norovirus (for those who don’t want to lose weight) utilised the norovirus for those who do want to lose weight, descaled a coffee machine, made pancakes and fixed a door handle. I am a true Renaissance man. And the level of achievement I feel is frankly ridiculous.
Chris Evans, not that one, or the one from Captain America, has made one of the usually paid extras for RHMOL available to view for all.
It’s here. If me working out the best way to have sex with a doughnut wets your appetite, then you can buy a series pass and get all the extras, plus longer versions of all episodes
on video and/or audio here.
