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I mean, fucking Hell. That was a surprise to wake up to.
Looking at Twitter, bleary-eyed at 7am and seeing weird tweets about dead pigs and the PM’s penis, I assumed that I had stumbled into some jokey new meme that I didn’t understand. Or that they were repeating Charlie Brooker’s “Black Mirror”. It certainly couldn’t be anything based even obliquely on truth or even wild allegation… oh hang on.
The first question is “How did Charlie Brooker know?” He claims it’s a coincidence, but can it really be? I am not saying that Charlie Brooker was a secret member of the Piers Gaveston society and witnessed Cameron doing this, whilst himself putting his own penis in a variety of dead animal mouths. But you know, it’s hard to think of any alternative explanation. That’s all I am saying.
All right, maybe that isn’t the first question, but understandably Twitter exploded with glee at this unsubstantiated rumour, spread by a billionaire with an axe to grind who claims that this is nothing to do with revenge. It became true because people wanted it to be true and quickly was about the Prime Minister having necrophiliac bestial sex, rather than, as was the purported truth, about him taking part in a weird initiation ceremony where he placed his (presumably flaccid) penis in a pig’s mouth whilst being watched and possibly photographed by others. I mean, the truth (or lie) is just as disturbing if not more so, but it was fascinating to see something spread and morph so quickly, simply because people wanted it to be true.
And yes, after all the shit being pedalled about Corbyn in the press it was fun and seemed like justice to give the Tories a bit of what they’d been giving to Labour. But if you don’t like lies and rumours being reported by the tabloids then surely you can’t just say it’s OK because the lies and rumours are about someone that you don’t like.
And I can understand it. I wanted to be a part of that too. Though I quickly felt weirdly uncomfortable about what we were all doing. Whether true or not (and in a sense I am not sure it really matters any more, Cameron’s authority and reputation is severely damaged by this either way) it was clearly a power game perpetuated by a disgruntled man who has used his immense wealth to support the government and expected stuff in return. If you cheer on the possible demise of Cameron, you are supporting an even bigger and richer and more powerful tool. And by delighting in the story we’re just fulfilling the agenda of someone even worse than the victim/pig sex criminal.
What should be taken from this is that politics is at the mercy of the super rich who can make or break someone in any way they wish. And that cock in pig’s mouth or not, a lot of people at the centre of the Tory government come from a background where trashing restaurants, burning money in front of tramps and taking drugs and then performing bizarre acts is normality for them. Do you want them running your country? We all do stupid stuff as intoxicated students, though I realise now that my days at Oxford were very tame. I took no drugs, got invited to zero orgies, spent a lot of time playing the fruit machine at Carfax chippy whilst Mike Cosgrave watched me and put my penis inside no dead animals at all (and tragically few living humans - and that makes it sound like I put one inside a dead human, which I have never done. They have always been alive when the penis was inserted). But I did once drunkenly throw a stone through a Christian bookshop window (a small window at the side of the shop - I don’t think I was making a point about having no sin, I was just being a prick) and once, again drunk I smashed up the only cassette copy of someone’s demo tape and threw it in a river (because… not sure why. I thought that was funny because I didn’t think the music was very good, but what did I know and was I so brilliant? and what a fucking horrible thing to do anyway) and I did loads of dumbass stuff to try to fit in or in anger that I didn’t fit in. The point is that, whilst this pig thing is spectacular and beyond disgusting (but that was surely the point of it at the time - just like rugby players drinking each other’s piss and spunk to prove some kind of point about their obvious heterosexuality) that let he who is has not put his penis in the mouth of a dead pig tweet the first tweet. As you were then.
And if this is all a ploy to line up Gideon Osborne as the next Prime Minister then he’s going to spend his time in office shitting himself about what things might be leaked about him, because I am just totally guessing, that guy was off the fucking scale. You’ll look back at putting flaccid penii in dead animal mouths as a charming bit of flirtation, if the things I imagine he did actually happened. And so if he, or whichever Bullingdon Boy gets the job, is terrified about having his life and reputation ruined by such revelations then what power does that give to the people behind the throne and what terrible choices might he make through fear that his awful past will finally be revealed by someone with the photos in a safe.
Perhaps government for the people by the people is impossible and maybe whoever is in charge needs to be in the pocket of the rich in order to keep the economy thriving. But it’s not the blow job from a real or fictional dead pig that is the real story here and I am sure we can vote in politicians who are less corrupt and not in the position to be held hostage to the whim of non-elected billionaires who have them in their thrall. As this thoughtful and uniquely serious take on the subject shows, entry into the elite circle requires a humiliation which will bind you to the others and be your possible downfall if you step out of line. I hate to call Cameron an underdog or to try and defend him in any way, but I think it’s likely that whoever replaces him will be a worse pervert and more evil member of the secret lizard elite and that they will have bigger embarrassments to hide.
Because this has been cleverly timed not to bring down the Tories (as it might have done before the election) but just to tarnish Cameron.
More importantly this whole incident is somehow an incorporation of every single one of my RHLSTP emergency questions and means I have to start from scratch with this. I can never ask anyone about the ham hand again. Not that I was going to anyway.
Robert Popper added to the RHLSTP roster on 11th October .
Also a few more David Mitchell tickets released. Worth signing up for returns if they run out as there are a few more tickets out with agencies that will be returned. Support the show by coming along if you can!
