6628/19548
The NHS wanted to find out why my balls were so mighty. So I was treated like a scroll discovered in a library in Herculaneum today and had all my ball-works scanned so that future generations might marvel at their power. Two lives have sprung from this well, one from the boy testis and one from the girl one. So I am not sure there has ever been a human as fecund as I. Even Boris Johnson only has one child.
This was a precautionary scan just to check there was nothing to be worried about, but meant going into hospital, which is nowadays probably a more dangerous place to be than being unwell, but everyone wore masks and it didn’t seem crazily busy. But I guess all the Covid zombies are in a special locked down wing, as they should be. But what if one of them escapes? There could be a pandemic.
When I arrived for the scan they were very keen to prove that I was who I said I was and I had to confirm my date of birth and my address, because I imagine there’s a lot of men out there trying to surreptitiously sneak in and get their balls scanned. And who wouldn’t want to have a load of sticky jelly smeared on their sack by a stranger and then have a supermarket scanner rubbed over it repeatedly. You can get this without going to hospital. Just head to your local Sainsburys and I am sure one of the staff will do it for you. They can use the hand sanitiser from the end of the check out. Don’t waste the NHS’ time with this you perverts.
Today’s ball fondling from a stranger came even quicker than the last one. There was basically no small talk and we were down to business. Given what was about to occur it was all done in a rather sweet and coy manner. I had to cover myself with a gown, take down my trousers so no one could see and then put a paper towel over myself and haul my gigantic penis out of the way. After all that my balls were on open display, but at least nobody saw my penis, so dignity was fully maintained.
What I particularly enjoyed was the lady who sat in the corner and observed her colleague giving me the once over with her Tricorder. I am not turned on by someone scanning my balls, but someone silently observing someone scanning my balls is my jam.
And then I understood why they needed the high security. I’d be back every day if I could.
Many people tend to neglect the balls, but not this NHS employee. I reckon she secretly enjoys looking inside testicles, but I suppose being thorough is good in this situation so it’s a reciprocal agreement. They need the most ball obsessed member of staff to do it. The last thing you want is someone who just isn’t that interested in looking at the inside of testicles. We all have our place in the world. I was very glad for this caution and it’s really reassuring to see that even in this troubling times the NHS is able to take any concerns seriously. Keep checking your balls and boobs and chests everyone and don’t worry about getting anything weird checked out. Though to be fair, all these things are pretty weird already. So take that into account. It has to be some additional weirdness.
Hopefully it’ll be good news, but if not I already have several Edinburgh show titles ready, and stuff like this is always award-fodder so it’s win/win.
