Due to the tidal wave of bollocks that has nearly knocked me off my high horse and totally set me back on my line of yoghurt knitwear I haven't had as much time to think about breasts as I would have liked. But to be fair that's true of most weeks. If I had my way I'd think about breasts all the time and do nothing else. But this week I am meant to be writing about them as well for my Objective show about Page 3 (this series is on Radio 4 from - I think - November 8th).
Although it's not quite as serious a subject as the golliwog and disability I am aware that there are many people who still feel strongly about the basic weird wrongness of there having been pictures of young women with their tops of in national newspapers for almost 41 years. That's such a long time that a whole generation has grown up thinking that's normal. I bet most of you don't even stop and think about whether that's right or wrong. It's been there so long you just accept it. That's how it is with these things. That's why it's sometimes important to make a stand on these issues. Even if you never buy a tabloid or see Page 3, you know it's there and you start to accept it as a thing that exists. Next thing you know you'll think it's acceptable to put pictures of dead people on page 1 of the paper, just because they are disliked because of the awful things they did.
If you make a fuss sometimes you can stop something taking hold in people's minds and daily lives before it gets a chance to set. Once something has been happening for half a century it can seem like it's a tradition, part of our culture. How many times do you stop and think: what the fuck? Why is there a picture of a balloon breasted woman in my newspaper? That's meant to be telling me the news. Breasts have been around forever. There is no news here. Maybe if we examine the psyche of the newspaper owner who thinks that this is an OK thing to do, we might become aware of the other awful things he is prepared to do if it convinces people to part with a few pennies.
The thing is I love breasts. I love the way they look. I love looking at them. I don't think it's a massive problem if people want to look at breasts and other people don't mind showing them then some arrangement, financial or friendly can be reached. But in a newspaper? I have accepted it for a long time because it's been there as long as I can remember.
When you think about it the fact that it is page 3 is a tacit admission that this is all inappropriate. If young women having breasts was news or even belonged in a newspaper then you would put it on page 1, but it doesn't and we know that would be wrong. What if children saw the breasts (I don't have a massive problem with kids seeing breasts as I think most of them don't really care about them, once they've fulfilled their purpose as food providers)? So we hide the breasts safely behind a single sheet of paper, because there's no way that kids will be able to find the way to turn one page. It's as good as a childproof cap on a medicine bottle. Safe away from innocent and uninterested eyes. Funnily enough, soon enough, a page will probably be enough to confuse a child who will only have ever seen written material on electronic devices. When a swipe of the finger fails to make new content appear they will assume the device is faulty and never find the treasures within. Soon paper will be the safest deposit box in the world. But for the moment, if you want something to remain hidden from the view of whoever it will offend then page 3 of a newspaper is not a good place. They will still see it.
As a teenager I was obsessed with seeing breasts at any opportunity - if you've seen Headmaster's Son you'll know how far I was prepared to go. I don't think I cared much about the person attached to the breasts, which is part of the reason that I saw so few. Will Page 3 make men judge women and objectify them or do they do that already? All I can definitely conclude is that it can't exactly help. But I like breasts just as much as I did when I was 14, but I also like the people they're attached to. I can still like the breasts of someone I don't like so much and I still sometimes admire the breasts of someone I don't know at all. Breasts are great. All of them though, not just the narrow demographic that they tend to concentrate on in the tabloids. I wish that I had something as aesthetically pleasing (which is probably why I am trying so hard to grow a pair of my own,though they're just not the same) but all I have that's anywhere near similar are my testicles and women just don't seem to go for those in the same way that most men go for breasts. Maybe things can change. Maybe one day I will be the first man to get out his balls on page 3 of the Sun. I am open to offers if Rupert Murdoch is reading this (I will also leave a message about it on my ansaphone).
My point is - I know I am getting a bit distracted by my shot at testicle based fame - that maybe a newspaper is an odd place to put these pictures. The quality of the paper and print reproduction alone are terrible, but really... it's a newspaper. What if they start putting the news in your porn mags and films? You'd be furious. Could put you right off. Depending on who's reading it.
