Ever since Janette Krankie fell from that beanstalk it's been a week of tumbles. Today was no exception. After the humiliation of falling myself and the delight of seeing another go arse over tit came a rather more scary demonstration of the power of gravity, as well as an opportunity for me to be a hero AND book myself a guaranteed place in Heaven.
I was in Habitat in Hammersmith looking for dull gifts for my dull family. I was waiting patiently at the till downstairs with my hands full and a heavy rucksack of presents on my back (like Santa on his gap year) when I heard a shriek from the stairs.
I looked over to see a stocky, elderly nun slipping on the steps. I gasped. This was going to be nasty, the steps and floor are all made of stone and would provide no comfort for a tumbling nun. But she managed to grab onto the hand rail as she slid forwards, but it provided her only temporary respite, as within a heartbeat she was slipping down this at a sharp angle, heading headfirst for the floor with only a wimple to protect her.
I was a fair few feet away, but as others just stood and gawped at the unusual spectacle of a tumbling/sliding nun, I leapt into action. Putting down my bags and dashing towards her, in spite of my heavy sack weighing me down (make your own jokes - this was a serious moment). She wasn't going to hold on much longer, I had to be quick. Even though I disagree with her religious views, like the Good Samaritan I saw there was a more important issue at hand. I arrived just in time to make a grab for her as she fell to the floor. Alas, I didn't catch her completely, though significantly slowed her fall by grabbing her arm. Her head still hit the floor with a bump, but not as big a bump as it would have done if I'd just stood back like everyone else to enjoy the show. A couple of people, I think, tutted, annoyed that they had been deprived the spectacle of a fat old woman in a funny costume having her head cracked open.
The nun was shaken and one of her humble nun shoes had come off, but she was OK. Another male customer and myself tried to help her to her feet, but it was quite some effort. A couple of women helped her on with her shoe. I retrieved her humble nun bag that had fallen down the stairs as well (I was mindful that someone might nick it. Once a girlfriend of mine was run over and some kind soul took the opportunity to help himslef to her phone and purse which were strewn in the road. Aren't human beings wonderful?).
She thanked us all for helping and I apologised for not catching her properly (which would have been quite a difficult thing to achieve even if I hadn't been on the move). She didn't offer to pray for us or anything, but even nuns are allowed to be selfish when seomthing like this has happened. If I'd been her I'd have been a bit annoyed with God for rewarding her service and chastity with a failure to protect her in such circumstances. But she probably saw me as a vessel of God and concluded that the fact that I had fumbled the catch was a sign that she had sinned in some way that she must atone for. I don't know. I'm only guessing.
I hope the tumbling nun is my last fall of the week. But if there has to be another one I pray that it is even more surreal than this. Perhaps I will be called upon to catch a tumbling pyramid of men dressed as members of the KKK.
