I broke into my next door neighbour's house this afternoon. But don't worry, don't call the police, I was actually being a hero rather than a villain. Perhaps hero is too strong a word. Well, no perhaps about it. But I do so little that is anywhere near heroic, that any slightly selfless action must be heralded thus to give me any sense of self worth.
The doorbell rang and I answered via video phone to check it wasn't someone religious. A frail and slightly frightened voice said that it was "the old lady from next door", I couldn't really hear what she was saying. But the video phone is there to keep away hawkers and mentallists, not my neighbours, so I went to the door to see what she wanted.
There indeed was a little old lady and she was upset. Her key had got bent and she couldn't get into her house, but, she told me, she had left the back door unlocked and she wondered if we could get access over my wall.
At this point, I confess, I was trying to imagine how I might successfully negotiate this lady over the wall and fence that lay between our two properties, though luckily sense kicked in as I picked up my stepladder and I realised that it would be easier for me to go over and open the front door for her.
So with only slight thought for my own safety I made the dangerous journey over the wall, leaping down to the other side, hoping I wouldn't end up with a broken leg and a cancelled holiday for all my troubles.
But all went fine and luckily the back door was indeed open (because it would have been a lot harder getting back over to my side without the help of a ladder) and I was inside. More disreputable persons might have taken this opportunity to rifle through my neighbour's drawers and steal her belongings, but luckily the Christmas spirit overwhelmed me and I just went and opened the front door without stealing a thing. I am like the new Jesus.
My neighbour was very thankful and wanted to squeeze my hand as a thank you (I would have preferred some cash) and she said she'd have been locked out in the cold without me. And it felt good to have helped someone. When she needed a neighbour was I there, was I there? Yes I was.
It was only when I was back in my home that I realised that although I know there is an old woman living next door I don't really have much of an idea what she looks like. I have spoken to her daughter maybe five times in the five and a bit years I have lived here, and though I have seen the mother a few times, she just looks like an old lady and I wouldn't be able to pick her out of an identity parade. Had I just fallen victim to a scam? Did this old woman just go around pretending to live in the house next door, aware that most Londoners are so uncommunity minded that they don't know the people living next door, and taking a punt on the fact that the back door of the house might be unlocked? If not then I had trustingly left the lady in question alone in my home when I went outside to ascertain the plausibility of the break in. She could have just nicked all my stuff while my back was turned. It was a win-win situation for her.
I decided not to go next door to check and to simply deny all knowledge of anything that might have happened if the rozzers came round. I hadn't left my fingerprints anywhere..... except on the lock on the front door.
I would have to break in again later in the day to wipe those incriminating dabs away. And this time I would help myself to a few of the presents under the tree as well. In for a penny.
Provided I could resist the temptation to brag about my crime then all would be fine.
All would be fine....
So any road, I am off to the airport tomorrow night as my flight is pretty early on Christmas Eve, so I'm staying in a hotel. I am not sure if or when I'll be able to update the blog for the next fortnight. I plan to continue writing, but might have to upload it all when I get back (though suspect I will get time to write the next entry as I wait for my plane). Maybe this break will present me with the opportunity to break my daily chronicle. There's some jeopardy for you to ponder until the 8th of January. But can I wish you all a very happy Christmas and an uncredit-crunched New Year. Thanks for the continued support (from most of you - but I admire the persistence of the people who hate me but still come back to read what I've had to say every day). Sales of Bye Bye Balham have just topped the 500 mark, which won't get us in any book charts, but which I still find very flattering. There's still 1500 copies to sell, but let's gloss over that.
Have a great Christmas wherever you may be. I shall be thinking of you on my Grenadian beach. Ha ha ha. Yeah, right.
Oh and our Perfect 12 podcast is now available
here if you want the crappy but longer Andrew Collings recorded version or
here if you want it shorter but propely produced. Why not try both?!
