I am still trying to think of nine more Herculanean tasks for inclusion in a possible Edinburgh show (though I am increasingly thinking that I won't have time to complete them all this year and that maybe it will have to wait until next year- it took Hercules 12 years, the lazy bastard).
Most of Hercules tasks involve cutting the heads off multi-headed creatures, or capturing fantastical animals. In that day and age it was seen as being heroic to murder endangered species, but I think if I attempted anything similar I'd have the RSPCA breathing down my neck before the Hydra had had a chance to grow back two heads after I'd cut off the first one. Possibly if Hercules had been polite enough to leave a few dangerous mythical creatures for future heroes to kill then my job would be easier. But no, he had to go laying into the lot of them with both barrels, like some kind of classical Prince Phillip. So I'm forced to be like one of those rubbish circuses without animals and dazzle the world with humane feats, when really all any of us want to see is a man torturing a defenceless beast. Stewart had suggested that I learn how to bull fight (in homage to Hercules task number seven, capturing the Cretan bull), but I think he is just trying to kill me. His other suggestion that I run with the bulls of Pamplona might be a possibility.
But aside from murdering animals or being murdered by one myself, I am looking for challenges that will be difficult for me. I was wondering about trying to swim the Channel. How difficult that would be for someone who is a pretty rubbish swimmer. I can't really master the breathing thing and so swim with my head above the water, like a dog. I think I once managed to do about 40 lengths of Balham swimming pool, but that may have involved stopping at the end a few times and catching my breath. The Channel can only be about 45-48 lengths, certainly no more than 50, though I suppose the waves and ships and sharks might make things slightly more difficult.
I only really want to swim the Channel because I quite fancy getting covered in that greasy stuff they put all over their bodies to keep them warm. That looks like fun and it puts the limited amount of Vaseline that I am currently applying to my nipples and testicles(for the Marathon - I'm not doing it as I type this and anyone who says I am is lying) into some kind of perspective.
I suppose if I am that keen to be covered from head to toe in pig fat (or whatever that suspiciousy cloying, stick white stuff actually is) then I could just do that without having to then swim the Channel, but I don't want people thinking I'm peculiar.
It would though, be quite good fun to go down to Dover beach in my swimming trunks and then start liberally applying such an unguent to my body and then when a curious old man comes up to ask me if I am swimming the Channel, I can look at him like he's mad, say "No, I am just applying pig semen to my every nook and cranny of my body. It's my hobby and I would appreciate it if you would leave me to get on with it in peace." Then I'd get back in my car and head off home. The damage to my car seats would more than be made up for by the astonished "Eddie Large" look on the old fella's face.
But anyway, if Duncan Goodhew is reading this (or preferrably Sharron Davies to be honest, especially if she's prepared to administer the salve stuff personally - I will need a lot of it on my genitals, because they can get very cold and don't worry if there seems to be more pig fat at the end than there was when you started.) and want to take a poor swimmer and teach him how to swim 22 miles in wavy conditions, then do get in touch. I think my life will be an empty void once the Marathon is over.
