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Very bad news for me this morning as claims were coming in that over browned toast and roast potatoes might give you cancer. My preference for both basic food groups is burned. Nothing beats a piece of white bread that has become black all the way through smeared with butter and Marmite. And my favourite bit of the roast tin is the tiny bits of potato that have broken off and become carbonised. In fact if the research is true I can only assume that I died ten years ago and am continuing a Sixth Sense existence and cannot go to the other side until I have… I don’t know… eaten more carbon??
How can eating carbon be bad? We are made of carbon. It should make us stronger.
But being a human being and told news that I didn’t like I chose to double down on my dangerous behaviour and I ate quite a lot of toast. I couldn’t be arsed to do some roasties to make the point that science was definitely wrong, but I ate so much toast that I wonder if this was all a ruse by the toast billionaires (who get 1p every time anyone toasts some bread and 2p if the toast is burned - I hope you’ve been sending them their money cos it’s easy to cope with as one-offs but if you have 50 years of back taxes to pay it could break you). I always thought smokers were insane, (whilst ignoring the carcinogenic effects of drinking and over eating because I am a human and thus an idiot), but now I get it. Sure it would be easy to turn down the toaster dial a bit and live a long and happy life. But what kind of life would it be if I couldn’t eat soot? That’s not living.
Luckily I can see a future where no one dies of cancer. It is the future where Donald Trump wipes out humanity. My ability to look on the bright side will get me through this and also give me the excuse to eat all the delicious burned toast I can get my tiny hands on.
Speaking of the Sixth Sense I wondered if Donald Trump might have a bit of the Haley Joel Osment about him. Perhaps he did see one and a half million people, because he unknowingly sees all the dead ones too. Perhaps Corbyn had it on that train too. It would explain a lot. Added to the burden of leading political parties (and the once free world) these guys have to put up with seeing the restless spirits who are not yet aware that they are dead. It’s possible the dead people are voting for them too. That might explain the polls. And everyone knows you get more right wing as you get deader.
So I gave myself cancer today and was too tired to get anything of any great worth achieved. But I think we’ve more or less finalised our cast for the Everything Happens (For No Reason) taster that we’re filming next weekend. And I feel very excited about it and the people we’ve got to do it. They don’t include me incidentally (though I might be playing the part of a disgruntled diner - which makes up for me failing to get the Indignant Man in Sherlock, oh yeah, if I am also on the audition panel I am great at getting tiny parts in things).
And some good news on the tour. The three London dates I had in on
the 16th, 17th and 18th February at the Leicester Square Theatre are selling well (still tickets for all performances, but the Saturday is getting close to selling out), so we're adding three more at the end of the tour on 8th, 9th and 10th June (these will be on sale soon). And the Edinburgh date on the tour (plus a few more) is now sold out. Though I will be in Glasgow the next day and am planning to come back to the Edinburgh Fringe with a new show (Oh Frig, I'm 50!) in August.
Check out all the tour dates here and book ahead!
