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Monday 24th February 2014


Seriously, every time I go to the swimming pool the anarchy gets worse. It all started when people disobeyed the lane signs and now it's escalating. I am always slightly worried about having my towel taken by someone else, even though I think it's only happened once before. We all get given the same towels and so unless you remember where you placed yours (not all that difficult) you can get confused and take the wrong one. I was thinking today of leaving my locker key on mine to indicate that it was mine. Or possibly wiping my arse with my clean towel to leave a visible skid-mark to deter thieves (might be somewhat self-defeating). But I thought, you're being stupid Richard, no one will take your towel. But still some fear nagged at my soul.

And it turns out that I am a kind of Nostradamus, albeit one with the ability to predict quite mundane and boring things. Because I'd placed my towel right by the centre of the end window and as I was about halfway down the pool I saw a woman pick it up and start to dry herself. I would have shouted out straight away but my view was slightly blocked by another swimmer and I didn't want to make a fuss only to discover she'd picked up a towel placed right next to mine. By the time I could see she was definitely a towel-thief she had wiped her entire body with my towel like some kind of horrific Andre Vincent and was making her way to the changing rooms. I was still a little way away from her and I thought it would be odd to make a fuss. I would just have to ask the lifeguard to get me another towel once I'd finished. I was cross though. Especially as I had chosen to ignore the warnings of my own predictions. From now on I am going to ejaculate in my towel before I go for a swim. The towel thieves won't know that they are drying themselves with my drying jizz. But I will. The danger is that I will just impregnate the towel thief and create a new generation of people with no regard for other's property.

Then a more elderly woman got into my lane. She looked a little eccentric, wearing a full length Victorian style swimming costume, a swimming cap and bit goggles. She might have been self-conscious about her body or religious, but it was an unusual fashion choice. And although there were three of us in the lane she started swimming up the pool on the side where the arrows instructed us to swim down. She wasn't overtaking the other woman in the lane. She had just decided to make the left hand lane her own. Disregarding the fact that I had just turned to swim down in the right direction. I waited for her to move, but she didn't so I had to wave at her and shout, "You have to follow the arrows". She moved across, but shouted something incomprehensible back at me, in an aggrieved tone. I don't know if she thought there was room to turn this one lane into three lanes, but if so she was living in a dream world. And all the time I knew I was going to have to get out of the pool and wait for a towel. I don't think it's hyperbole to say that I am the most cursed man on this planet.

I walked some of the way into town, before jumping on a tube to get to the Leicester Square Theatre. I was going to be interviewed by Helen and Olly from Answer Me This! for a radio show they were doing about podcasts. I was then going to interview them for my podcast, as well as a second interview with lovely Robert Llewellyn. That was a whole lot of chatting. This week I did find it all a little tiring, but both shows rocked along nicely, with Helen and Olly reminding me of the terrible things I had said about them when I was doing the Collings and Herrin podcast. I told them I had not control over the Herrin character and couldn't recall anything he had said (I was absent from my body, or at least buried deep within it, when he took over). But I was delighted to hear that he has said that even a pervert wouldn't have sex with Olly Mann. Something born out by the fact that there are no entries about him on the Britcomedy confessions website.

The time travelling finger, perhaps inevitably has morphed into time travelling genitalia, leading to some interesting and disturbing answers from the guests tonight!

The theatre was about half full, but they were a great audience of proper RHLSTP fans - even the butlers got a cheer when I pointed them out. I really appreciate those of you who support these shows in anyway, but those that return to watch many or even all of them are the best!

The first RHLSTP with Adam Buxton will be going up soon. Subscribe to the video or the audio or make a one off or monthly donation of support for the project here. The audio will be free on iTunes and the British Comedy Guide as usual, but you now have the choice to pay for it if you want to keep this juggernaut running.

The first RHMOL should hopefully be up for subscribers on Tuesday (audio or video) with the shorter free version going up later in the week. You can subsribe to the series and help us make even more comedy by going here.

Another name added to the RHLSTP roster. Journalist and screenwriter Jon Ronson will be joining Nick Helm as my guest on March 24th. Book here. Next week's show with Greg Davies and Alexei Sayle is very nearly sold out, so book now at the same site if you want to come to that.

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My new stand up show, Oh Frig I'm 50 is at on tour from February til June 2018. There's also a new series of RHLSTP with recordings every Monday from February 5th to April 2nd All details of shows here.
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