In Brighton tonight it felt like a long while since I had done the Hitler Moustache show, after 3 nights away from it and I slightly worried I might not remember it all. But luckily despite a couple of minor and unnoticeable slips I got through it fine and actually the rest had done me good. I felt full of energy and the material felt fresh and it was one of the better performances. But I pretty much always have fun in Brighton.
Usually at the Komedia food is provided as there are kitchens and a table service there, so I hadn't eaten since a light lunch and was starving, but predictably Herring's first law of touring came into play and the kitchens were closed and there was nothing provided. So once I had set up I had to head out through my already queuing audience and see if I could find something quick and healthy.
I ended up in Subway, which is surely the refuge of the desperate man. I had a perfectly acceptable 6 inch sub, which dripped honey and mustard dressing over my fingers. The napkin was not going to get me clean and the toilets were locked with a sign saying this was due to persistent vandalism. I already felt dirty just for eating here anyway.
A couple sat down behind me with their freshly prepared sandwich. An awful smell was emanating from behind me and I couldn't tell if the man had just farted as he sat down or whether that was the smell of his food. Either way it wasn't good. Either I was in the type of establishment where the clientele are flagrantly and unfragrantly flatulent or I was eating in an establishment where the food smelled like the insides of a stranger's intestines.
Back in the dressing room I changed into my newly dry-cleaned suit. But over 100 sweat-filled performances mean their is no type of cleaning in the world that will get the smell out of this suit. I am determined to wear it til the show is over (I've had it on for pretty much every performance of the piece and back last summer it actually used to fit me too), even if my increased girth or the acidic sweat make it fall apart. There are rips and holes all over it now, but I can definitely say that I have never had as much value and use out of any suit in my life. It is almost a part of me now and it will be sad to through it into a big fire at the end of the tour, but that is the only humane way to dispose of it perhaps. It will have no kind of life without me. It is sentient but in pain and is surely already crying out "Kill me. Kill me now."
Only 17 more performances now. Am hoping the suit and the extremely tatty BNP leaflet make it through to the end.
Afterwards I went for a drink in a bar near the theatre with my friend Rebecca Wheatley (
Slimming World's Woman of the Year - who has unlike some idiots who try to lose weight, lost loads and kept it all off - I must try harder). Some lovely members of the audience plied me with drinks, including some shots which I really shouldn't have drunk, but it would have been rude to turn them down. When I went to buy a drink of my own the barmaid said, "Can I just say you are looking particularly handsome tonight?" I presume this was some kind of a joke, because at the moment, thanks to my moustache I am particularly ugly, but perhaps it was sincere - I was still in my suit which crumpled and stinking as it is perhaps gives me a veneer of glamour (as long as you have no sense of smell). It was strange for once to be in the position where a barmaid was making inappropriately familiar comments to me for once, rather than the other way round, as it has been for the rest of my life. I decided to pretend she wasn't taking the piss or taking part in some kind of bet with her workmate to see who could pull off the most audacious lie and took it at face value. I looked in the mirror. You know what I am pretty hot. If I could just lose 12 stone and a square inch of hair I'd be gorgeous.
And it's getting to that time of year again where you can, if you are so inclined, make a donation to SCOPE to get your name in the Christ on a Bike programme. Just head to
my brand new justgiving page and donate some money to SCOPE. As usual the more you donate the bigger your name will be in the programme and there will be a nice prize for the person who gives the most money (last year Colin Greene was lucky enough to get one of my two advance copies of "How Not To Grow Up"). I was thinking of giving the highest bidder my Hitler Moustache Suit but that might be a curse more than a blessing. On the other hand if I die you will probably be able to clone me from the DNA engrained in it (in sweat from dirty mind) and write a follow up to "The Boys from Brazil"). But provided you donate at least £15 your name will be listed and thus go down in history. Donate by May 20th to be sure of inclusion and the name you use to make your donation of the justgiving pages will be the name that features in the programme. You will be sent a limited edition numbered and signed programme providing you email you snail mail address to herring1967@googlemail.com. I will do my best to chase you up if you forget, but don't assume I have your address from previous years. You have been very generous in the past and I am sure you will be again this time. Your donations help cover the costs of the enterprise ensuring that every penny of the collection money (and more besides) goes to SCOPE.
And if you have something you want to advertise then you can also take out an advert in the programme. This year I will be printing up at least 30,000 copies (probably more than that - next year's tour and extended London run are already booked in and it's even bigger than this year's) which will be given free to every single person who comes to the show. So if you want to take advantage of this market then please email me. The rates are pretty low given the distribution and I can divide up into half and quarter pages if you so desire and again all the money goes to SCOPE, so you will look magnanimous as well as promoting yourself. You will have to create your own advert and I will send you the specifications that are required if it all goes through. So please get in touch asap if you want to take advantage of this offer.
