The gigging is just getting better. After worrying a bit about where things were going six months ago, it all seems to be coming together again. I spent half an hour this afternoon talking rubbish with Andrew Collings who seemed to have an unnatural interest in drinking the mixed blood, milk and urine of horses, but is otherwise overly fastidious about his diet. Our tribute to the late Sir John Mills ended with us failing to stifle our giggles, which I think is what he would have wanted. If he wasn't dead. Details of how to listen again to this offensive tosh are on the home page.
Incidentally the Stamford gig was lovely, which is nice because in 150 years time (unless science finds a cure for death) everyone in the audience will be in unmarked graves and I will just be a name on a poster in a futuristic dressing room with silver walls and sliding doors. So it's good we all got something out of the evening.
Tonight it was back to stand-up in Bath. I am still getting enormous pleasure from driving through the country to the gigs. No doubt it's part of my mid-life crisis, but I feel so free, like I'm on a rebellious road-trip (in my automatic VW Golf). I have a feeling I might be the luckiest man that ever lived. Which is a nice turnaround from last year, hey? Thinking about it I am probably in the top 10 million luckiest people that have ever lived. That's just a guess, but certainly in professional terms I just have one of the greatest jobs ever. I don't even really regret not having got back into stand-up earlier anymore. I think I needed to wait to be any good at it. In any case what's the point in regretting stuff you can't change?
Poker and comedy are all about confidence. Possibly life too. But that comes third on my list of important things. I mean fourth. Obviously my girlfriend is top. Yes. And that's all about confidence too.
I arrived a bit early for my slot so went for a walk around and a coffee in All Bar One. Bath looked especially beautiful tonight and though I was surrounded by wonderful old buildings, including a disproportionate number of fudge shops (actual fudge shops, no euphemism again) I did not get a craving for fudge. Which was lucky as it was 8.30pm and all the fudge shops were closed. Perhaps the Stamford fudge had assuaged my fudge hunger. Maybe I can do a show called "Someone Likes Fudge" next year. Or "Someone Likes Fudge, But Only When In A Olde Worlde Setting And Not For Two Days In A Row." Yes, I will start getting the posters made up.
Although I know Bath very well and have been here twice gigging in the last couple of months, it is always nice to have a little look around and get a feel for the place. And if possible come up with a bit of special local material to start the gig with.
Here's what I came up with on my walk:
"Hello, it's great to be in Bath. I love this city. You have to love any city with a street called "Quiet Street". It's great. Just says what it is, straight away and what kind of people have to live in it and what behaviour is expected of you. This is a quiet street, none of your noise in here.
You also have to love any city with a street called "Gay Street". Again, clearly defining what kind of inhabitant and behaviour is expected on this thoroughfare. Bath is strictly divided up by this system, everyone living on the street that is appropriate to the type of person they are.
Though I've been here a few times and I haven't yet managed to find "Crustie Terrace" which has got to be a very long road. Nor "Blue Rinse Conservative Bitch Boulevard", though that's more likely to be more of a district than a road."
I could have gone on to question where you live if you a quiet homosexual. Sadly the two roads do not intersect. I guess you'd have to decide which attribute defined you best. Or Bath City Council would if they decide where you live. As I imagine in a town as posh as this they pretty much do.
I also came up with a Tory party joke in the car on the way in. It's topical and it's based on the slogan "Are You Thinking What We're Thinking?" which has already become a bit of a comedy cliche and thus a rubbish subject for humour, but I think this is the best joke you could get out of it, so I'm going to share it with you:
"My local Tory candidate came to my door the other day and said to me, "Are you thinking what we're thinking?"
I said, "I don't know. Are you thinking, "I'd quite like to make a necklace out of the vaginas of all the female contestants on that new ITV celebrity wrestling programme....apart from Annabelle Croft. And in place of her vagina I would like to include the penis of James Hewitt as a kind of pendant?"
And he said, "Oh..er.. no, we're not thinking that."
I said, "That's a shame, because I would vote for anyone who was thinking that."
And he said, "Really.... well, we were thinking that a bit."
And I said, "It's not going to be that easy. I'll only vote for you if you put that up on one of your posters."
He said he'd think about it."
That is the best joke using that slogan, so now all the rest of you comedians can stop doing it. You have been defeated.
The Comedy Cavern in Bath is a terrific venue and the audience was young and smart (well they liked me, how much more intelligent do you want them to be?). They've got some amazing bills coming up too,
so if you're local get yourself down there. They allowed me to experiment, they allowed me to take risks, which meant I ad-libbed freely and largely amusingly. I ended up doing 50 minutes, at least 30 of which was about yoghurt. I think it was my best gig yet and I drove home on a high, my mind buzzing with ideas, but with no way of writing them down without crashing my car, so many of them disappeared forgotten into the ether. Just as well really, they were probably shit.
It is no wonder that comedians usually turn into arrogant self-obsessed arseholes. Doing a gig that goes as well as this does leave you rather full of yourself. Thank God Hitler didn't do stand-up comedy on the side. Imagine how unpleasant that would have made him.
Luckily as you can see from this entry I am keeping my feet on the ground. Which is even more impressive because I am easily the best comedian in this country and also the best person and probably the new Jesus.
Hey, as long as I'm being funny, what do you care if I am turning into a psychopath?
Here's what's coming up this week
Gigs - see gig guide for details
Monday - Amused Moose Camden. New material
Tuesday - London Bridge - stand up
Thursday - Sheffield (though I hear this may have sold out already)
Friday - Preston - stand up
Radio
Monday- my first appearance on Quote Unquote will be on Radio 4 at 18.30. Repeated on Sunday 1st May at midday.
Sunday - on Andrew Collins show on 6Music at around about 3pm. Due to other work commitments this will be my only appearance on the show in May, so don't miss it!
Charity
I do a lot of work for charity, but don't like to discuss it.
If you haven't done so already, please consider donating to my programme fund. You don't have to. But it'd be nice if you could.
