Happy Birthday to Jesus who reached an impressive 2002 years of age today (presuming he was born in 1AD - there was no year zero). I am disappointed to note that the Guinness Book of Records does not acknowledge him as the oldest person ever to have lived. Presumably they argue that his death at crucifixion marked the end of his life, but we all know that he got better after a couple of days, and to the best of my knowledge has not died again since that small relapse, so surely he's the oldest person ever by some distance. At the very worst I think all that Norris Macwhirter could argue is that the (roughly) 36 hours that Jesus lay dead in his tomb should be deducted from his age. But given that that still makes him about 1900 years older than anyone else who has ever lived I don't think that makes all that much difference. It seems very unfair to penalise him for such a short period of inanimation, when he's been alive and kicking and walking on water for so long. If Norris Macwhirter was over 2000 then he would probably have had a couple of days off at some point, and if some kid had knocked at his door asking him what the biggest leaf was, then he'd have been well within his rights to shout out "Fuck off, I'm temporarily dead. I've just been crucified for YOUR sins. Not my sins. I didn't do any. Apart from being racist. But that's not a sin in the Bible. In fact the Bible almost condones racism. It's all about being the chosen people and stuff..... Anyway, I died for YOU, because you are so sinful and I also learnt all the world records in the world as well. So I don't think I should be blamed for wanting to have a day and a half away from this mortal coil, before returning afresh. So come back on Sunday and I will tell you the biggest leaf then. OK? And no, I'm not saying that because I don't know the answer and so am going to use the intervening period to look it up in my book of records."
So it seems churlish of Norris Macwhirter to discount Jesus' notable longevity just because of this one small and understandable slip. Almost as churlish as it is for me to blame Norris Macwhirter for information contained in the Guinness Book of Records, which he no longer has anything to do with. Or for me to accuse him of racism based solely on hearsay - even if the story did come directly from someone who had once worked on Record Breakers and who had been there when the production team had put Norris in a theatre box crammed full of people of many ethnic backgrounds, simply in order to see him squirm and seethe with anger.
Anyway, I hereby announce my intention to have Jesus acknowledged as the oldest man in the world for the next edition of the record book. Or do the new non-racist editors not believe that Jesus rose again? If so I think all Christians should rise up in fury against them and cast stones at them (as their deity advised) until the true record is acknowledged.
If nothing else it will really piss off the current holder of the record. And possibly spur them on to try and beat Jesus' record. Up to now they've been complacent.
