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If you know one thing about me it is that I love Soleros. If you stop anyone in the street and say the name Richard Herring, they probably won't know me from my 1990s double act or multiple stand up tour shows or impossible number of podcasts or being the 21st Century Pepys or having one testicle and a Hitler moustache (though never simultaneously) or being the world's only Champion of Champion of both Taskmaster AND House of Games. They will say, "Oh the bloke who almost religiously eats a Solero every single day." And I'd only correct them and say I do it religiously and if the Catholics took some notice and replaced that horrible dry bit of bread and cheap wine with a Solero then I think they'd get a lot more people through their door. Also a Solero is the closest you can get to eating Jesus body and blood in the real world. And also sucking him off.
But that's what I am known for, though not by Walls who fastidiously ignore every time I mention how great Soleros are (maybe because I always take the opportunity to say what dogshit Red Berry Soleros are).
When Soleros are available I would say I have eaten one daily for at least a decade and maybe longer. I don't know when I realised that Soleros were my perfect treat. Only 98 calories and somehow, unlike all other treats, one is enough. Or in the case of Red Berry Soleros 100% too much. I still haven't found an orange one so can't comment.
Is my Solero eating an addiction? No. I could give up any time. I just don't want to and get quite perturbed even at the thought of not being allowed to eat one.
But look, I've given up everything else I like and my Solero eating gives me 35770 empty calories a year and cost me over £304. I wondered - could I give up? If just for a month?
If I did I think this would be the greatest challenge of my (or anyone's) life. It would be like growing Hitler Moustaches all over my body, like doing my International Women's Day stunt every day of the year on every planet in the Universe, even the really sexist ones like Earth, like running continuous Marathons for 25 years without being allowed any rest time. So if I did it I would surely be able to raise a million pounds for charity.
I can't throw that kind of money away, so I am declaring February No-Solero February (People are already calling it Nolero- which would be even better if it was in November). I am giving up Soleros and have donated the £23.33 I will save to Scope. And I want you to do the same. If no one eats Soleros in February imagine how much money that will raise. In the unlikely event that you don't eat Soleros every day, then you can give up something else you like. Or if you're unable to give up Soleros then please give a donation as penitence for your weakness. Or just give Scope some money to celebrate my amazing achievement (if I even manage it).
I have set up a Just Giving page here and have set the modest target of just £500,000 because I think people will think I am mad if I say at the start I am going to raise a million. Even though I definitely will. And it's good to set it low to make your achievement look even more impressive.
You might say, interesting that you've chosen the shortest and coldest month to do this in and if you say that, then fuck you. It's still four weeks and I eat Soleros in all weathers and regulate my temperature in other ways. Why not look at the amazing sacrifice I am making rather than sniping to make yourself feel as good as I do.
Anyway, I haven't raised money for Scope for a while and it's a fantastic charity so whether you think this challenge is worthy or not, I hope you will consider donating - even just the cost of one Solero would be great. Especially if you're one of those people who enjoys all the free stuff I give out, but resolutely and maybe correctly refuse to contribute financially!
Suffice to say I will not be substituting my Solero with any of the supermarket own brands (sacrilege as they are) and will in fact be avoiding all frozen desserts for February. That's how serious I am.
Jamie Ross from Buzzfeed wanted to find out the identity of the woman that Alex Salmond was feeding a Solero to in this picture. And I can't blame him. This is the kind of image that a Solero lover must enjoy in a very special way. Especially if they love the idea of old men with fish based names feeding Soleros to beautiful young women. Which isn't something that I am particularly into.
Jamie got a surprising distance in finding out the identity of the woman, but couldn't track her down. But I think he may have made an error.
The report says "Mr Salmond enjoyed a chocolate lolly at Stirling University and shared another with student Kate Adamson, 17, in the shadow of the Wallace Monument.
His second one was orange - presumably the closest he could get to the SNP colours."
It seems to me that there were two lollies here in two different locations and quite possibly with two different women. Jamie places the Solero picture on the banks of the Airthrey Lock, but the report says that the chocolate lolly was eating in the shadow of the Wallace Monument which is a fair distance away. I don't think the woman eating the Solero is Kate Adamson - she doesn't look like she's 17 for starters, though she is admittedly still much too young for a man of Salmond's age to be fooling around with with the very suggestive and erotically charged Solero.
I think it's a different woman entirely (though ever Kate Adamson seems to have been a nom de plume from a clearly embarrassed victim). Sadly Salmond is not alive to give us any more information, though I'd be surprised if he remembered the names of all the women he'd fed a Solero to- I know I don't. But it'd be great if we could raise half a million pounds for Scope AND solve this Solero mystery.
And Self-Playing Snooker fans, a chance to earn a piece of sporting history and a work of transgressive art -
some more balls and bits of the original snooker board are up on ebay. All (any) profits go to making more podcasts (but we overspent on cutting up and mounting the pieces so I'd be surprised if we break even - doesn't matter though, this one is for the fans). BID NOW!
