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I was about to sit down and catch up on the blogs that I hadn’t had time to write, when I was sent on a quest for bum cream. Not even the exciting kind of bum cream that you use to facilitate some bumming. Not even the kind of cream which has ground up bum in it to give your strawberries a more earthy flavour. The kind of bum cream that makes sore baby bums better. At least I hope so. It’s been a tough week, but at least I have learned that I only need two hours sleep a night to operate. I look forward to utilise the extra four to six hours of wakefulness once I no longer have to wipe faeces off sore bum cheeks.
But the bum cream was hard to find. The chemist in the nearest village with a chemist didn’t have it and told me there was none available from any of their stockists. Has there been a run on bum cream? Possibly partly caused by people hoping for the other kind of bum creams. Also Americans who think it is the spermatozoons of some homeless men (many Americans believe that smothering their bodies and throats in that kind of bum cream will give them magic powers).
I travelled to the next village along,which has two chemists. The first one said that they didn’t have the bum cream I needed (though they were having a sale on tramp spunk as they had a huge surplus), but that they could order it, but not in the quantity that was on my prescription. They could order the bum cream in for tomorrow, but I would have to pay for it . I didn’t mind about forking out six quid for 3 times too much bum cream. To be honest I still find it weird that you can get baby medicine free on the NHS. I mean, not weird exactly, it’s obviously brilliant. But maybe people who can afford to pay should pay (I’ve paid already Rich, in my taxes - ah fuck yourself reader, you can pay six quid for some bum cream. And I know which kind of bum cream you’re after and you disgust me).
What concerned me was that my son would have another day struggling with the wrong bum cream that we’d been given at the weekend (it was still cream for babies’ bums, but just the wrong one to make his sore bum better - apparently babies’ bums can be sore in a lot of different ways). I said I might be back and went to check the other rival pharmacy over the road.
Again they didn’t have any in stock and could only order in the wrong sized one. They advised me just to buy it on amazon, which would ensure we had it the next day at least. So I did that, but wanted to give my son of some bum relief today, so headed into the metropolis that is Welwyn Garden City to see if anywhere had the correct bum cream. Or failing that some of the bum cream that has magic powers. Perhaps if I drank enough of it then I would have the ability to create the bum cream I needed out of my arm pits.
I parked in Waitrose, because it’s free for 90 minutes. You are supposed to shop in Waitrose to use the car park, but if you are a maverick like me who uses the toilets in hotels he’s not staying in and puts a small amount of recycling in someone else’s bin then you don’t have to worry about that. Fuck Ian Waitrose. He’s had enough from me.
Then I remembered that Waitrose had a small pharmacy and so I went to see if they had the bum cream I needed. And failing that the bum cream for me to drink so that I might make the right bum cream from my armpit. Or failing that some organic cream that has been stored in the cleft of the buttocks of some artisan worker, flavoured with the sweat of hard work and a slightly ineffectively wiped anus.
And Waitrose came up trumps. Not only did they have the cream, they had the cream in the same quantity as my prescription so it was FREE. I could have offered to pay for it anyway, but I have paid already with my taxes.
And my plan to defraud Waitrose of some free parking also hit the buffers as I ended up doing a shop and spending £60. I think this might have been Ian Waitrose’s plan all along. He had bought up all the bum cream in the area to lure me into his trap.
And luckily I still had time to suck off a homeless guy in the hour remaining. So everyone won.
It had been a two hour odyssey, but I returned with the cream. I am literally the best dad in the world.
