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Thursday 27th March 2014

4141/17060

The Max Clifford trial is proving to be good comedy value, which is rather inappropriate given the charges, but it's not the charges that are amusing of course, it's the defence. And given how much this man has raked through other's dirty linen there is something quite satisfying about his own private life being held up to public scrutiny. He who lives by the pork sword...

It still leaves me slightly uncomfortable, because I fear we're losing the important tenet of "innocent until proven guilty" and it feels wrong that a possibly innocent man is being humiliated, but then again, it is Max Clifford. It's so conflicting. It's too tempting to tweet things like "Sex claims disgusted to be associated with Max Clifford".

And the court case is like an open goal for a comedian. When the defence sets out its stall by saying Clifford's accusers had given "contradictory" evidence relating to the size of Mr Clifford's penis and that reports  about its size ranged from "freakishly small" to "enormous" and, as such, none could be relied upon. Mr Horwell (a Carry On name if ever I heard one) said, "None of these four witnesses is correct. That's because Mr Clifford has an average-sized penis. That will be his evidence."

Too many jokes. It's comedic that someone would go to court to try and prove that they have an average-sized penis and would be trying to quash the rumours that it was massive. But as a penis expert (and I am happy to be called by the prosecution) I have to say that the defence is on something of a sticky wicket here. Firstly, as someone pointed out on Twitter, it's not length alone that is the defining factor. A very thin penis (and some of them look like pencils) would appear tiny even if it was five inches long. Also where was the doctor measuring from (were the balls included) and did he (or hopefully not she) really dig the ruler in? What if Max Clifford is slightly aroused by having his penis measured by a medical expert? And a five and a half inch flaccid penis is certainly not of average size. But also the same man's flaccid penis size will vary wildly depending on temperature, fear, arousal and just blind luck. So the same flaccid penis could be freakishly small or seemingly gargantuan at different times. Also to different people. It depends on the sample of flaccid penises that you've already seen in your life (as my routine I did about the woman who told me I had an average-sized penis - when I don't, it's massive- proves). I don't know anything of the guilt or innocence of Clifford and would like to wait for the court to deliver its verdict on that one. What I do know is penises and the defence's statements are all to cock. "Proving" that Clifford's penis is of an average size does nothing but humiliate him. It's not evidence (and you can make your own jokes about standing up in court - I am too classy).

Though if Clifford's penis wants to give its side of the story I am more than happy to represent it.

But all this did lead to me coining a new euphemism on stage at the wonderful City Varieties in Leeds tonight, advising an audience member to do a Max Clifford, meaning to give yourself a couple of tugs to get you up to a non-embarrassing size before examination.



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