Last year in Salisbury
protesters handed out leaflets saying that the audience were going to Hell. This year not a protester in sight. But this time I was only taking the piss out the concept of love, not out of a fictional, immortal, flying man, so you could understand why people wouldn't be so bothered. "Hold on, didn't Jesus kind of say that love was the most important thing? Shouldn't we step up to the plate and defend the concept against what we imagine is being said in this show?"
"No, it's all right, as long as Jesus Himself is not mocked then it doesn't matter what people are saying and doing. After all it's the person that we worship - that doesn't mean we have to take any notice of the things he said or try and live our lives in the way he would want us to do. He'll be delighted with us when we get to Heaven."
CUT TO - JESUS: What were you idiots thinking? It didn't matter that puny Richard Herring was lightly taking the piss out of me. I am an immortal God. And in any case if you watched the show, like I was forced to every fucking night, then you'd have realised it wasn't all that bad about me anyway. But then the next year he attempted to destroy the very concept of love and you couldn't even be bothered to print up a leaflet promising retribution, even though such vengeance is pretty much the opposite of what I actually preached. Fuck you all you're going to Hell.
SALISBURY RUBBISH CHRISTIANS: Isn't it enough that we loved you? You didn't expect us to listen to you too. Surely in any loving relationship everyone eventually tunes out and doesn't listen to their loved one's blatherings.
JESUS: You dare to question me? You will burn forever in Hell.
SALISBURY RUBBISH CHRISTIAN 1: Hold on I thought you said you didn't believe in vengeance.
JESUS: Oh you're listening now, are you rubbish Christian 1? Well too late. For incorrectly guessing what kind of person I would turn out to be you get to sit in a pit of fire for all eternity. Ha ha ha.
SALISBURY RUBBISH CHRISTIAN 1: That seems a bit harsh, now it's me who is going to be in Hell.
JESUS: Silence worm! Look Richard Herring has arrived in Heaven. Because he was so good and honest and did loads of secret work for charity that he never liked to talk about...
RICHARD HERRING: Oh Jesus, you know I don't like people talking about that....
JESUS: Shut up, I will talk about whatever I like. I am Jesus. Because you were the greatest person in the world ever you will not go to Hell like these rubbish Christians, but for all eternity you shall sit on my right hand.
RICHARD HERRING: Do I have to?
JESUS: Yes you do.
RICHARD HERRING: It's just I was once given a thing that was meant to tickle my prostate and I really couldn't face putting that up there.
SALISBURY RUBBISH CHRISTIAN 1: Then there was that time that girl tried to put that champagne bottle up there.
RICHARD HERRING: How do you know about that?
SALISBURY RUBBISH CHRISTIAN 1: It's common knowledge - like the high-backed armchair thing.
SALISBURY RUBBISH CHRISTIAN 2: Excuse me, are any of us rubbish Christians going to get a line. It seems a shame that only one of us is really saying anything.
JESUS: Silence.
RICHARD HERRING: Why do I get to come to Heaven oh Jesu? You said it was wrong that I tried to destroy love.
JESUS: I am nothing if not woefully inconsistent Richard, you've studied me, you should know that. One minute I hate gay people and women, the next I don't. It's like I just try to tack on my philosophy to whatever might seem to be most popular with people at the time. Now sit on my right hand.
RICHARD HERRING: I don't want to.
JESUS: Sit on it!
That is what is going to happen. I truly believe that. And it is wrong to criticise or mock anyone else's beliefs so I hope you will all accept my vision of the after-life.
But seriously, all those rubbish Salisbury Christians are inconsistent pricks (just like Jesus), especially Rubbish Salisbury Christian 2. I wouldn't like to be him reading this today. He must feel pretty small.
I really should get back into writing plays.
The dressing room in the Salisbury Arts was cold and it smelled of toilets (I had been to the toilet, but I think it was a greater problem than my admittedly quite impressively unpleasant bowel stink), but the show itself went well, though I wasn't quite as fluid as last night (I am referring to the performance on stage there for fear of any misinterpretation). I remembered a bit that I had completely forgotten about since Edinburgh, but only after I had passed the place I should do it. It will be reinstated in Nottingham tomorrow.
I packed all my stuff away in the car and was pretty sure everything was in the boot and nearly drove away, but went back into the theatre for one more idiot check. I had carried my expensive show shoes out of the dressing room in one of the SCOPE buckets and unnoticed by me one had fallen out on route to the car. I was very pleased I had gone back to check. Always go back to check. That would have been a terrible loss.
I listened to Radio 4 podcasts on the journey home - Robin Ince and his science friends were very funny and entertaining and then I chanced across Nick Park on Desert Island Discs. I think he might well be the nicest man in the world. Certainly the nicest successful man. He made me smile several times just due to his pleasant demeanour. It's possible to get on in show business if you are a normal and decent person, you just have to have an unmatchable talent that can't be done by some other pushy cunt. I am neither nice enough or talented enough to take his route to Oscar winning success, but I am probably not ambitious and pushy enough or enough of a cunt either.
We can do nothing about our own talents which will always fall inside certain parameters depending on how hard we work, but I think we could probably all strive to be nice people. I think I am going to work more on the niceness thing as I have a shot at being good at that. And who knows if I am really good, maybe Jesus will get to sit on my right hand. Or at least on my left hand as I sit on his right hand. But I am right handed, whereas I imagine he is ambidextrous (be rubbish if he could walk on water, but not throw a ball with his sinister side), so I think him on my right hand and me on his left would be the best arrangement. But I won't make a fuss if he wants to do it the other way round. Because by then I will be Nick Park nice and not want to make a fuss.
Also is Jesus omnipresent in Heaven too? Cos then it would be impossible to just be on his right hand anyway. Ah well, I am not qualified to make a call on that one. I just know that the rubbish Salisbury Christians are going to Hell after today's debacle.
