It was predictable enough, I suppose, but I was overwhelmed by tiredness on the 6Music show this morning and a little bit out of control as a result. This was surprising as I had managed to hold it together on the shows when I was on tour and had endured similar late night drives and early mornings, but I knew from the start that not all my necessary brain filters were in place and I was in a skittish and naughty mood.
Early on I was complimenting Andrew on how attractive his mother looked as she held him as a baby in one of the photos that he had brought in for the hard to find gallery
. I went on to say that if I had a time machine then I would travel back to make love with Samantha Mumba when she was in "The Time Machine", Jenny Agutter while she was filming "Logan's Run" and then finally back to make love to Andrew's mum just after she had given birth to him. I made myself laugh at how disgraceful a thing this was to say on the radio, let alone to Andrew Colling's bean-shaped face and yet got no reprimand from anyone for creating this image.
I felt though a little out of control and like something might slip out, because I knew that this wasn't feeling real to me and I was finding it harder to control the things that podcast Richard Herring was whispering in my ear.
Sure enough within the first hour the first apology-required transgression of this four months of broadcasting was to come, though my sleepiness was responsible for another reason. I had been drinking black coffee to wake myself up, and the cup was placed on the edge of the desk in front of me. During one of the records I fumbled my tired hand towards it, but succeeded in merely tipping it down and pouring the whole contents into my lap. I did this so effectively that I might as well have just picked it up and poured it, as the whole cup went on to my crotch and barely a drop spilled anywhere else. It had all happened in slow motion and I can't remember now if the cup even fell off the desk or whether it just tipped on me, but with seconds to go before we were back on the air I could feel warm (thankfully not piping hot) coffee seeping into my nether regions. It wasn't an entirely unpleasant sensation, but my jeans and T shirt were covered with coffee and of course there was nothing for me to change into (6Music has no lost property box full of skanky tracksuit bottoms, unbelievably) so I had to sit there and take it and cope with the coffee as it went from lukewarm to cold.
But before that happened we would have to do a link and of course the spilled coffee was going to be the talking point. I complained about my own clumsiness and stupidity and then stood up to show Andrew the damage and said, "Now I could piss myself..I mean pee myself...." but it was too late. I had sworn a minor swear word on live radio. I apologised immediately, though with the proviso that I had had coffee poured into my pants, but was asked to make a more formal apology a few minutes later, which I was happy to do. Kids do listen to our show and some of them might think "piss" is a rude word, and it would have been better if I hadn't said it, obviously. But is it as bad as telling someone you would like to travel back in time so you could have sex with their mother just after she had given birth to them?
But probably best not to draw attention to that.
I was a bit chastened and sheepish for the rest of the show. I had to rein myself in a bit before I shouted "fuck" or "thundercunts" accidentally. Hopefully it all made for an entertaining show - there were as far as I know no complaints about the slip (though general amusement) and it means the iPlayer now comes with a warning of offensive language.
I will never swear again.
And at least this will probably mean a third appearance in as many weeks for Tiny Andrew Collings in AIOTM.
I went home and slept for most of the afternoon. Hopefully I will feel a bit less frazzled and out of it by tomorrow so I can get on with writing another script. I could do with a nice relaxing bank holiday weekend to regroup and recharge, but have stupidly set me this weekly task to add more stress and late nights and early mornings to my schedule.
Is 42 too young to retire?