More Collings for me. And for you if you were bothered to listen (though you've got the iPlayer and the podcast for the rest of the week). It felt like ages since we'd done 6Music, even though we had just had one week off.
I was tired after waking at 5 and feeling a bit spaced out and I really wanted to shout out "Motherfucker" at one point and to call Lembit Opik a "cunt", but I just about managed to hold it together, whilst dancing on the line of acceptability, to the consternation of temporary producer Anna, who I think thought I probably had some mental issues. There were points where I was wondering that myself. Hopefully I can keep some connection to reality for another decade at least. Yeah, I'm fine. Almost sure.
We were looking back at our school reports today and there were some very funny texts and emails from people. I laughed for about half an hour at @Captainlimbo on Twitter whom claimed "my woodwork teacher threw a plane at me when I mistook inches for feet and built a birdhouse the size of a proper house." It really tickled me because like all really good jokes it conjured up an image that was as funny as the actual gag. But I was also pleased to get quite a few messages from people whose teachers told them they would amount to nothing, who had indeed amounted to nothing. Famous people often quote some teacher who said they'd get nowhere, proudly sneering that they have proven them wrong. But I've always been prepared to bet that teachers get it right 99 times out of a 100 and there was some vindication in this. It was also fun to claim that I had confounded my own teachers by getting my own temporary 6Music show and for having made my living as a clown, even though they had criticised me for clowning.
I also enjoyed pressing Collings to see if he would admit homo-erotic feelings for an old school mate. He seemed to clam up, which is usually a sign that I am on to something. Or he might just have been playing along. Who knows with him?
It's been fun doing these Saturday shows, even if I have often felt tired and out of control. We've got three more together before Edinburgh (then Andrew is doing one on his own) and then we'll have to have at least a couple of weeks off. Not sure what happens then, but we both agreed that if we do more then we'll take the break as an excuse to try out some new features. We've already dropped the weekly fail where I "press" a wrong button. We hadn't anticipated filling in for half a year when we started all this.
The poetry smackdown section feels fresh and new and is a lot of fun. Here's the poem I read today without the rude words censored out. I wrote it when I was 18 in April 1986. I was green around the gills and a virgin (probably because no girl would want a man with gills and definitely not green ones - plus I had tiny hands), but enormously pompous and judgemental (and clearly jealous) of the cooler teenagers around me who were having sex. Even though I was terrified of having sex. The poem is doubly ironic given how my own life panned out. But here you go, some embarrassing, slightly sweet, but at points just plain wrong sentiments. I don't see that by referring to women as "sluts" that I am in the wrong. And my guesses of what sex must be like are purely that. Tom was a guy we had met on one of the campsites, though I think I based the character on several people I had met and with some self-awareness admit in the diary that there is a part of me in there too. How I love and pity that stupid younger me. I am still pretty stupid, but now old. I wonder how the younger me would feel to know that this work has now been on the radio, or indeed made available to you all to read now. Freaked the fuck out I guess!
Tom's Life
He lost his virginity at the age of fourteen
To a girl he didn't know, who he'd met at a dance,
And ever since that day he has lived in a dream
He must 'score' with any girl if he ever gets the chance.
He'll call to the girls with his coarse, slimy chat
Shouting, "Hey love, come and sit on my knee,"
He'll say to his friends, "Cor, I wouldn't mind that,"
And when some slut responds he will smile triumphantly.
But can't he see that it's all so sleazy?
And can't he see that it's also easy
When he takes sex, it's worth nothing more that dust
He's not making love, he's only making lust.
He travels the world with a single ambition
To writhe with a girl and then make her feel damp
He would like to 'screw' a girl from every nation
He might as well just go home and start collecting stamps.
And can't he see these girls will go with anyone?
And can't he see that it isn't any fun?
The whole thing is over in one quick thrust.
He isn't making love, he's only making lust.
Tom seems so popular, but is so insecure
He really hates to think that he'll ever be alone
But all those egg-shell friendships can never long endure.
Soon he's going to find out he's totally on his own.
He doesn't see that life can be fulfilling
He doesn't even see that true love is much more thrilling
If he can find care, happiness and trust
He may start making love, instead of making lust.
Oh dear. If anyone wants to set that to music and record it I am sure the teenage me would be delighted. I think that was what he was hoping!
And a nice surprise this evening as the longer version of the Have I Got News For You that I did was finally shown, two months after it was supposed to be on. Strange to see myself with that odd moustache that I used to have. But also glad that they used lots of the things I said in the extra fifteen minutes, even if I did say "fuck" twice, which seemed a bit gratuitous. Sorry mum. And your birthday card really is in the post. Hope you enjoyed your dedication on 6Music!
And one last time. It's the final AIOTM on Monday and it looks like it's selling well, but it would be terrific to end on a sell-out and would certainly make it more likely that we do some more next year. You know if there's time after this stupid tour! So come down if you can. It starts at 7.30. Haven't written a thing yet, obviously.
Worth booking in advance
from the Bloomsbury website. You get a Christ on a Bike preview into the bargain. And a Christ on a Bike programme too. Impress your friends and enemies.
