The new
rather unpleasant advert about the way flu is spread does nothing but confirm that if swine flu turns into a lethal pandemic, we're all going to die.
It shows a man sneezing into his hands and his spit and snot flying all over a lift, where it is then touched by someone else who gets it on their hands, who then greets a child who gets it on them. The germs live up to four hours.
However many people this advert convinces to use handkerchiefs and wash their hands, there will still be plenty who don't and who go spreading their germs over every possible surface, for the rest of us to touch.... There's just no hope of controlling it. All this advert is going to do is create a whole new swathe of obsessive compulsives, unable to go out of the house without wearing gloves and face masks (which according to the far from ignorant Andrew Collings only work for a few hours, before they get damp and are then useless) or to touch anything without wiping their hands with anti bacterial wipes. It certainly makes me feel like I don't ever want to go outside again, not particularly because of swine flu, but because there are millions of people out there (and one right here) who are not always careful about how they sneeze or who might not wash their hands every time they go to the toilet and their germs and effluent are spread over every surface that I might come into contact with.
So thanks to whoever put this advert together for making everything seem hopeless and turning me into a mentally ill recluse who has to live inside a bubble, just to be safe.
Despite the newspapers best efforts I don't think many people are that scared of the swine flu - which incidentaly is a terrible name for it. Who came up with it and why has it become accepted parlance? Swine is such an archaic word. Did Pig Flu get stiffed because it is reminiscent of flying pigs (Pig Flew)? Or did someone feel particularly angry about the pig that infected them and so called him a swine and it stuck from there? Pig farmers are upset because they think it might stop people wanting to eat pigs,
and some religious people don't like it because it offends their faith (though don't they believe pigs are unclean anyway? - surely it justifies everything they've been saying if pigs are held to be responsible for this dirty, virulent nastiness) but I'm upset because it's such a unpoetic name for something. Just because it's nasty doesn't mean we can't think of another name for it. Not H1N1 or whatever it's called either.
But people are complacent about it, I think, because so many other recent scares have turned out not to have destroyed humanity - bird flu, SARS etc- so in fact the press hysteria just makes people think everything will be fine. Whereas there is a chance this virus might lead to a culling of humanity, as I was hoping a few days ago (provided they don't all start taking large doses of Vitamin C of course). We believe things will be all right because they've always been all right and we don't want to consider the fragility of life, but no one knows what will happen yet.
Still there's not much point in worrying about it, because as that advert proves, if it turns out to be deadly, then we're all fucked. So might as well carry on assuming it will be a firework that fizzles, but doesn't explode and just enjoy what little time remains. But don't got back and touch a lit firework, because someone might well have sneezed on it.
Oooh, and further to that religious offence at the name Swine Flu, some of the faithful have suggested it be called
Mexican flu which is hilarious. Let's not allow the disease to be associated with pigs, because that would be offensive, but instead let's lay the blame with an entire nation of human beings. Because that is polite. You've got to admire that kind of thinking. I think they should call it Dirty Mexican Flu or Mexican Pig-Fucker Flu or All Mexicans are Dirty Pig-Fuckers Flu.
Or the Mexicans should retaliate against this slur and given that it's their virus should be allowed to name it. How about Jew Flu?
It's got about as much to do with being Jewish as it has with being Mexican. And it could be seen as a compliment, acknowledging that the Jews were right all along to revile the pig. I'd happily call it Muslim Flu as well, but that doesn't rhyme and is thus less satisfactory. Plus I like being alive.
But I suppose the people suggesting it should be called Mexican Flu would find Jew Flu offensive and having considered it for a few seconds I can see that they have a point.
So what better description? How about naming it after the first person who died from it? Or after the Scottish couple who seem to being blamed by some of the tabloids for having brought it to our shores (though I am sure they didn't do it on purpose). Or maybe we're wrong to blame the pigs for exactly the same reason. It may have started with them, but now it's being passed between people, so how about Human Flu. Though that will offend EVERYONE.
Hysteria Flu? Would work out if it doesn't become a pandemic.
Complacency Flu?
Time Flu?
Or perhaps it could get sponsored by a multinational corporation. All publicity is good publicity and you'd get a lot of mentions for your product.
How about Dr Pepper Flu with the tag line, "What's the worst that could happen?"
No best of all Hamlet cigars could sponsor it. And get the doctors giving the bad news to patients to give them a free cigar and play Bach's Air on a G String. It would be funny. Plus it retains a pig theme (Ham-let) without being offensive to religious minorities or farmers.
Hamlet flu it is.
Do Hamlet cigars still exist even? Perfect opportunity to bring them back.
And here's
Ben Goldacre being sensible and measured about it as you'd expect.
