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I’ve been making up for a month of missed bath times (for my daughter, not me. I clean myself nearly every day) and bed times and done three in a row. Mini tantrums aside (hey, look, I am highly-strung - shall I just keep doing the same basic joke after every sentence? OK) it’s a lot of fun. I let Phoebe smash bubbles into my face like mini-custard pies and then, when I tried to pie her back I would miss and pie myself. I could have been Mr Tumble if only I had thought of the idea first.
I also get to do story-time which is another highlight I missed (Phoebe really comes up with some good stories that really help me sleep - that one not quite as successful). Phoebe has got to choose the book she wants, and every night she has chosen a version of Cinderella. It’s been made a bit more PC - the Ugly Sisters are now just silly, but it still contains the very clear message that stepmothers and sisters are evil, which I’ve always thought was very unfair on the many people who have happily taken on their partners children and when reality seems to show it’s generally the kids themselves who are arseholes about it.
I am not sure how I feel about Phoebe liking the Cinderella story so much. The heroine is pretty passive throughout and the ultimate message seems to be that if you are pretty and have small feet then you can marry a prince and be happy. But I am not sure that that’s what appeals to her about it. At the end of the book you get to choose your favourite tiara, gown and fan. She refused to choose a tiara, chose a picture of a spider when I asked which fan she liked and when faced with the choice of gowns, she pinched her pyjama top and said,”this one”. So she’s still her own person. And prefers spiders to princes. As is correct (though when she finds out the royal family are in face shape-shifting spiders from outer space she is going to feel pretty silly).
I have a lot of problems with the Cinderella story - none of them, I imagine, will be unique to me, it’s quite a contentious story. I can’t help thinking that glass is a weird choice of material for shoes. Surely the chance of it shattering and causing serious foot injuries are very high. I’d love to see a sumptuous version of Cinderella where on arriving at the ball, Cinderella stumbles, breaks her slippers and lacerates her feet and bleeds to death in the driveway. Perhaps the Prince looks out and sees the commotion but is advised to carry on dancing and never knows what he missed, before copping off with both the Ugly/Silly Sisters (and their mum? Maybe too far). Sorry might have been a bit influenced by the first porn film I ever saw - The Other Cinderella.
Also they are usually portrayed as glass high heeled shoes, but they are specifically slippers. Who wears slippers to a ball? Especially ones that aren’t even comfortable.
The big question, of course, that goes unanswered throughout is why at midnight when everything else turns back into what it was, does the glass slipper stay a glass slipper? It makes no sense. It’s not to do with it being on the person of Cinderella because she puts it on later and it stays a glass slipper and also the coach and horses turn back and she’s not touching them.
And why is the slipper the great clue in identifying who Cinderella was? The Prince danced with her all night. Surely he remembers the basics of her face, height and body type. And the fact that she kept falling over because her feet were so tiny and unique that they couldn’t support a grown woman. I don’t know how much in love with Cinderella the Prince could be if after holding her in his arms dancing all night he was forced to send out a glass shoe to try and find her. Maybe he was just busy himself with his Prince work and shagging his mistresses. But even so, to save time, I would have said, “Can you try this slipper on the feet of all women in the kingdom who are between 5 ft3 and fat 5, slim, brown hair and a face that looks like this one that I have drawn with the help of a police artist. Do look closely at the face just in case the person we’re looking for was clean on the night of the ball but has for some reason got covered in cinders. And the feet are really small, so don’t waste any time checking them on feet that are at first glance clearly much too big. Yes, I know the chances of there only being one person in the kingdom with this exact foot size seems incredibly unlikely, and I would ask you also not to try the slipper on a child - this was definitely a grown woman, just with child-like feet. I can tell the difference. Even if they are wearing make-up. Anyway, I am a Prince, so I can do what I like. Just bring me the first reasonably pretty child who can more or less get their feet into this slipper.”
Also problematic is why Cinderella feels the need to run away at all. We’ve had a lovely night dancing, but come midnight you’re going to get a bit of a surprise. But you have said you love me, so I don’t think it would matter too much to you if I suddenly transform to someone covered in cinders and wearing rags. You could always just show me the bathroom and replace my rags with nice clothes and have your cobbler make some glass slippers and we’re back to square one.
Sure, maybe she was embarrassed to be poor - another great message - but if I was her I’d just have tried to get the Prince up to his bedroom and be in the bath with him at midnight, maybe giving him a hand job. Or just start giving him a hand job at one minute to midnight - no man is going to care about what you’re wearing half way through that. Again might be unduly influenced by The Other Cinderella.
Had I been the fairy godmother I would also have just let her have the clothes and stuff on a permanent basis or at least until 2am so she could enjoy the party properly. What kind of passive aggressive fairy godmother is she? Trying to make it look like she cares, but adding an unnecessary complication. Sure maybe the whole thing was planned in advance and that’s why the slipper didn’t change. But again what is the fairy godmother getting out of all of this. A sense of power? The jeopardy that she might introduce two people who fall in love and then might not get to see each other again - I mean how long does it take to put a glass slipper on the foot of every woman in the kingdom? Especially when none of the women who are approached seem prepared to say, “No, it wasn’t me.” Just in the hope that if they happen to have the same sized feet they will be able to trick the foolish unobservant prince into marrying them. Why do they all want to marry this twit anyway?
My daughter doesn’t mind any of this, no matter how many times I ask her these questions. But like I say I am not sure what she’s getting out of the story. I just hope it’s not the belief that step parents are evil (for the sake of the bloke who has to be her dad after I have died) or that men only like women with unique sized tiny feet, or that pleasing a man is all that matters in her life or that only rich people are worth hanging out with or that she should make footwear out of material that is likely to shatter or that magic spells only work on certain occasions or that women must lie in an attempt to marry a man who is too stupid to recognise the person he’s fallen in love with.
It just raises so many questions. And I know it’s symbolic and that some of this comes about due to poor translation, but what kind of effect is this having on my daughter’s malleable brain? And why does she choose it above her other books?
RHLSTP with Dan Skinner is now up
