I picked up a copy of the puritanical Fringe programme from the Lyric Theatre Hammersmith this evening. You will recall that they wouldn't let me put the words "cock" or "dick" or "fuckinghamshire" in their brochure. They didn't mind "vagina" or "yoghurt-spitting sausage", but as long as children don't have to read the word dick, then I am sure you'll agree all is right with the world.
So imagine my surprise when I looked at the cover to discover that it had a picture of a big chubby cock and balls emblazoned in the corner, complete with two holes in the ballsack which I can only presume were there for the insertion of perverted genital piercings. Bl*ody H*ll, children are going to be given this booklet and have their mind corrupted by these awful Scotch cock-obsessed numpties. I nearly passed out on the spot.
But then I turned the programme the right way up and realised that what I thought was a penis was actually the chest of some kind of upside-down vampire toothed ape or yeti. So in fact the Fringe programme has a picture of monkey tits on the front cover, which is even worse. Not even human tits, but simian ones, clearly trying to appeal to people into beastiality or zooaphilia. It was all I could do to stop myself imagining corrupt individuals masturbating again and again over this sexual image, possibly nearby to children's playgrounds. The people at the Fringe programme should be chased out of Scotchland.
I like the fact that the word "twunt" has been left on Simon Donald's advert, which is a double portmanteau swear. These people have no twuting idea of what they're doing.
I am also very disappointed to see that the brochure has the word "Virgin" on the front cover, completely uncensored. Don't they know what that word means? So rude.
Really whoever is in charge of censoring art should be sacked for their poor grasp on reality. Art must be censored much more efficiently than this.
If you want to book a ticket to my shows before they inevitably immediately sell out (small chance that this might not happen) then visit
the stupid Fringe website to buy some. Remember all those asterisks cost money and so the Fringe have to sell a lot of tickets. Please help if you can.
