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I mean I am clearly a lunatic to try and write an Edinburgh show at the same time as we prepare to move house and welcome a second child into our home. And even more of a lunatic to promise hundreds of personalised rewards for kickstarter donors (though to be fair I couldn’t really have anticipated that would have taken so long to reach fruition) and to give away a free programme for my tour which needs writing. I think I will get all this stuff done, but I don’t know when it will leave time for jokes.
Every time I thought I might have a little window to think about the new show, an email would come in requesting complicated forms that needed filling out or documents that needed photocopying. I’d take a break and create a couple of terrible hand-drawn T-shirts, then try and do a spread for the programme. Then 300 envelopes arrived which needed stuffing with the books that I had spent hours signing and adding questions to.
I mean I sort of like the fact that I do stuff like this, because I can hardly think of anyone else who would be arsed and I do really appreciate the support of people who enjoy my work (and feel a bit embarrassed that our rewards have taken so long to get to them), but it is definitely insane.
But good news for people who paid for the signed books with additional questions (and for the ones who didn’t pay for the question but will still get one due to my inability to count), book 350/350 with a bonus question sold on eBay today for £155. So your investment has already tripled in value before you’re even received it.
I am sure there is some extra bang in that donation as the person involves knows the money gets funnelled back into making more podcasts, but I have always hoped that the rewards that I give out on the kickstarters might eventually be worth more than they cost. There’s only 3000 first edition copies of Emergency Questions and only 350 of them are signed and numbered and less than 200 include a bonus question, and most of my fans will immediately accidentally smear Marmite all over their copy, so who knows? If you can keep your copy pristine you might have helped the podcast and invested your money wisely.
I am going to be sticking a few more of the signed and numbered books on eBay over the next few weeks and the rest of the proof pages and the non-signed first edition copies of the book will be on
www.gofasterstripe.com by the end of the week for the more reasonable price of a tenner.
On top of all this, it was my turn to bath my daughter. I told her she had to come upstairs but she wanted to play in her kitchen and ran away from me. When I chased her and took off her apron she went ballistic. It’s actually quite fascinating to see emotions developing in a new human being and she was properly incensed by this injustice, pushing me away, clenching her fists and going purple in the face. She even gave herself a nose bleed. I managed to get her upstairs in the end, but she was annoyed that it was me putting her to bed and not her mum and shouted for her preferred parent. I know this is all part of growing up and we are fortunate in that, so far at least, such outbursts are very rare and we have a calm and happy child, but it’s hard not to take it personally. I don’t understand why she prefers Catie, because I am objectively much better and loads more fun and much less strict (yeah, you’re right, she sees through me totally and so has no respect for me), but I am going to say it’s due to the fact that her mum is pregnant and she is confused by what this means. But the thing is that I look pregnant, so why not do the same for me?
It’s thankless task being a parent and my children will never appreciate how much I love them, even when they are 50. I know I still do not appreciate how much my parents love me. So it’s fair enough. I have been determined to remain calm and not lose my temper with my daughter, though after a full and busy day, when the tiny idiot just can’t see sense and understand that I am trying to do the best for her, it is difficult.
Last night I got hugs and kisses as I put her to bed though, so as usual with families, it's all relative. I just want her to love me as much as I love her. But that wish is of course an impossibility and I am glad of that.
In the meantime I am astonished by how badly Theresa May is doing in the open goal that is this snap election. It’s like she’s trying to lose, which is clearly understandable. She looks sweaty and scared, always sipping at her water because her throat has suddenly gone as dry as a desert (I’ve been there - I recognise it), making weak jokes, laughing at her own weak jokes, running away from stuff she should be striding towards. I wondered today if three years ago Corbyn and May had come up with a brilliant sting where they’d both put £100 on Corbyn being PM by the end of 2017 and then conspired to make it happen. A lot of the Corbynistas for whom their leader can do no wrong are now asking how well their leader would be doing had he had his party’s support all along. But if he hadn’t been doing so terribly in the polls then this election would never have happened. So they should be thanking those labour rebels and coup plotters. They were a necessary part of this May/Corbyn scam. And then May had to make the whole election about her, and then crumble into a gibbering wreck, whilst Corbyn got more confident and relaxed and bang. Most unlikely election result ever (well in the last couple of months) and Corbyn and May millionaires. Then Corbyn just has to fake his own death and he and Theresa are off living on an island together, sipping martinis and laughing about their amazing plan.
I am almost certain that the Tories will still win a handsome majority, but it’s exciting to see the polls tightening and it would be hilarious if this election resulted in a reduced Tory majority, or even to them losing power. Anything is possible with democracy at the moment. Especially with May trying not to win.
I think the country is pretty much fucked whatever happens but I know which of the two terrible choices I would prefer. I hope young people will get out and vote. With Donald Trump declaring war on the future and reactionary forces ripping us out of the EU it really is time to step up and yank our parliamentary system into the 21st Century. I have a feeling the prime minister we get in the 2020s might be rather interesting.
