I have heroin in my fridge. Not literally. That would be a stupid thing to admit in a public blog and in any case I have never even drunk one heroin in my life. What I have in my fridge is Herring heroin: some chocolate.
As regular readers will know I have had a long fight against my chocolate addiction. I can't eat it without having to eat all of the chocolate in the world and so have had to stop eating it all together. I had a brief relapse last Easter, thinking I could handle it, and just have a small amount every now and again, but I was fooling myself. I started eating loads and had to go cold turkey again and stop consuming the stuff. I have successfully managed this.
But last week in Cheltenham, the Good Samaritan who brought me
my stilton and chutney sandwich also put in the bag some nuts, some juice, some fruit and .... a chunky Kit Kat. The mystery dinner bringer wasn't to know that they were giving a drug addict the drug that they had kicked, they didn't know what temptation they were putting in my path. And in any case I remained strong. Even though I was hungry I didn't eat the Kit Kat. I ate the sandwich and the fruit. I was good.
I took the Kit Kat home though, thinking I could give it to a friend who was staying for a couple of days, but I never got the chance to offer it to them and now they are gone. I then thought I could give it to Ben Moor who needs fattening up, but I forgot about that, so the Herring heroin stays sitting there on the shelf, looking out at me every time I open the doors, saying "Come on, eat me. It's only one bar. It won't be a problem. You've never had a chunky Kit Kat. You should just test it out. You're in control now, you could easily just eat one chocolate bar a week now. You know you want it."
So far I have lasted a week of resisting the temptation of the Kit Kat devil, but I am worried I will succumb soon. Maybe I should throw the Kit Kat away or put it in a cupboard that I open less often, but there's a part of me that enjoys the contest between man and chocolate and also a part of me that is proud of my resolve. But I fear I may slip.
The package proudly declares that the Kit Kat has 265 calories, which doesn't seem that bad at all. I ate two small pieces of malt loaf yesterday that added up to more calories. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just have the Kit Kat one time.....
But then again the wrapping adds that this is 13% of our daily calorific intake, which is an awful lot. And according to my FitDay page 265 calories is the amount I burn up for swimming for 30 minutes. It seems a shame to use up all the good work for one hastily munched chocolate bar.
But to look at it another way, every time I open that fridge door, want to eat the Kit Kat, but don't, I am in effect swimming 42 lengths of the Holmes Place swimming pool. So I don't need to go to the gym any more. All I need to do is open my fridge door once a day and then not eat the Kit Kat and the weight should just start falling off.
QUIZ ANSWERS and WINNERS
Question 1
I used to be on television and last month in Africa I saw a hippopotamus. Apart from that what connects the words "television" and "hippopotamus" making them (according to my friend Tony and he may well be right) unique in the English language (if it's possible for two things to be unique, but you get my drift)?
Answer: According to my friend Tony they are the only words in the English language composed from a composite of Greek and Latin words. He is wrong about this. There are loads of others (AUTOMOBILE, SOCIOLOGY, MONOLINGUAL, HYPERACTIVE and of course HOMOSEXUAL) and most people seem to think that hippopotamus is all Greek. So well done if you got that. I have also accepted the best alternate answer that they can both be abbreviated to its first two syllables (telly and hippo). I suspected Tony was wrong, hence the phrasing of the question, but did not know quite how badly.
Question 2
I live in London and as Warming Up attests I spend a lot of time on the tube system here, but which London tube station has the longest name with no repeated letter in it? ( i.e. each letter in the name appears only once. eg "Shepherd's Bush" has repeated s's, h's and e's and thus it's not that)
Answer: Wimbledon Park.
Question 3
I come from Cheddar in Somerset. What was the name of my history teacher from the Kings of Wessex School who in the 1990s was discovered to be related to a 10,000 year old skellington found in Cheddar Caves? First and last name please.
Answer: Adrian Targett.
Question 4
In 2004 I cleaned out the elephant stalls at a zoo. Which labour of Hercules was I emulating by doing this?
Answer: Task 5 where Hercules cleaned the Augean stables.
Question 5
In 1993 I performed in a show called "Ra-Ra-Rasputin". Name the man who killed Rasputin and who is also responsible for films including that statement about any similarity between the characters and living people being coincidental etc.
Answer: Prince Felix Yusupov - some of you gave an alternate answer of some British agent., but I have never heard that before and it was Yusopov who was responsible for the movie statement coming into being.
Question 6
In 2005 I took part in a scrabble tournament and have gone through periods where I have tried to learn useful Scrabble vocab. One legitimate Scrabble word is four letters long and composed entirely of vowels. It is an alternate spelling of an interjection expressing Bacchic frenzy (not that the definition is important, it just needs to be in the dictionary). What is the word I am referring to (gotta be worth a guess if you don't know - just string four vowels together and hope for the best or get into a Bacchic frenzy and write down what you end up interjecting)?
Answer: EUOI.
Question 7
When I guest hosted the Andrew Collings show earlier this year, which comedian failed to turn up to review the papers as he had promised?
Answer: Russell Howard.
Question 8
Sticking with the Jesus theme, in my monologue "Christ on a Bike" I deconstructed the genealogy of Christ as detailed on page 1 of the New Testament. Which of Jesus' non-ancestors (he was not related to Joseph and thus has no relation to anyone in that whole begating list) attracted my particular venom for having a clearly made up joke name? I would like both his name and who he was "of".
Answer: Booz of Rachab
Question 9
What is the full name of the man who runs the Penis Museum in Iceland that I visited during my research into the "Talking Cock" book?
Answer: Sigurdur Hjartarson
Question 10
Some people know him as James Steven Ignatius Corr, but how did I refer to him in he television show "This Morning with Richard Not Judy"?
Answer: The Man-Corr
Question 11
I am a writer and use words to create imaginary worlds and to bring down the government with my satire. But what is the longest one syllable word that you can think of? I have a couple of nine letter words in mind, but if you come up with one longer then that's all the better.
Answer: There are loads of 9s scratched, stretched, screeched, straights. Those of you who used google found an archaic 10 letter word scraunched, which you dont get any extra points for. Those of you who said squirreled are incorrect. That has two syllables. We are not American. There were a couple of suggested for an 11 letter word that I am not sure about, but the people who suggested it had shorter words too and get the point
Question 12
I co-wrote the sit-com "Time Gentleman Please" with Al Murray. What is the name of the actor who played "The Professor" in that series AND for a bonus point what was the name of the character he played in the Conkey sketch in Fist of Fun? (I am not even sure I know the answer to that one)
Answer: Andrew Mackay. His character name in the 'Conkey' sketch: was called Zadoc. I have accepted anything close to that, but not Dave Padme, Pieman or old man in pub (which is surely something from Google about TGP, and he wasnt even that character).
Question 13
You have had to read a lot about Writer's Block during the last four years. Sorry about that. But in which film does a writer character called Harry Block appear? And for two bonus points (cos google makes that easy), in my opinion what are the best and worst films made by the director of that film? (it will be my opinion at this exact this exact moment and no evidence of me saying otherwise elsewhere will be able to be used against me. My decision is final) moment and no evidence of me saying otherwise elsewhere will be able to be used against me. My decision is final)
Answer: Woody Allen's "Deconstructing Harry" (Best 'Manhattan', Worst 'Match Point')
Question 14
All right, here's a good one. To whom is the book "I Love You More Than You Know" by Jonathan Ames, dedicated? Ha. Try looking that up on the internet! How much do you want that PSP? Looks like you're going to have to buy a book doesn't it? Ha ha ha. I will make Ames the most successful writer in the world. JK Rowling has only sold five books right?
Answer: He dedicates the book - 'for my great aunt Doris'.
Question 15
Here's today's question. This is a question that we posed on Fist of Fun, which no one ever got right. It's very unlikely that anyone will get it, so don't worry if you don't. But I think it's about time to give the answer. And with the Internet you might be able to make the connection. I don't know
What connects the TV series Fist of Fun, the film, "The Railway Children" and one of the videos that was put out in the 1990s capitalising on the success of Mr Blobby?
This question is almost impossible I am sure, so if you can get it you have probably won, but if you can't you are probably still in. An additional clue then, You could add the recent sit-com "Not Going Out" to the list. You might get the answer now, but I want the connection and also what the part of that person or thing is in each project for full marks
Answer: Only Edd Mcardle got this entirely correct and wins a Stewart Lee DVD for his troubles, and another, Mark Jones, got it close, but wrongly suggested Nick was inside Mr Blobby so wins nothing. Life is cruel All the shows were directed at least in part by Nick Wood. Nick Wood played the baby in the film The Railway Children Only that exact answer gets two points (I am not accepting that he was an extra in the film) You get one point if you identified Nick Wood though)
Question 16
In the TV series TMWRNJ, TV's Emma Kennedy played Nostradamus, who each week tried to predict three things in the hope of winning a barbecue. But what item of set dressing was Nostradamus equally keen to win, despite Opera Director Stewart Lee's insistence that it "was not on offer"?
Answer: The Fence
Question 17
In the last edition of Viz an entry I had suggested appeared in Roger's Profanisaurus. It was a euphemism for testicles. What was this euphemism?
Answer: The McSquirter Twins
Question 18
What was the name of the bar in Balham that I used to visit quite regularly when I lived there and where I celebrated my 30th birthday? It has now closed down and last time I looked was an Asian restaurant.
Answer: Goblins. Most of you seemed to go for McNabs, but the internet has let you down there alas. Goblins is the answer I needed.
Question 19
How many hits do you think the Warming Up page will get in the 24 hours from 11.45am on the 20th November? In case of a tie at the end of the quiz the person who gets the closest gets the point. Plus if you get the number exactly right you get ten points. I will give you a clue. It is more than 7 and less than a million.
Answer: 2981
One point for being within a hundred, three points for being within 25, ten points for spot on. No-one did. Olly Betts was closest with 3004 and will win some kind of prize for his work
Question 20
According to the twisted world of Warming Up, which comedian is celebrated by the people of Italy who hang out multi-coloured bunting from their windows, emblazoned with his name?
Answer: Norman Pace or No-Moustache
Question 21
I am on a diet and thus drinking a lot of diet Coca Cola (other cola drinks are available). How many kcals are there in 100ml of diet coca-cola?
Answer: 0.4 kcal per 100ml due to differences in different coca-colas I will accept anything under 1kcal
Question 22
There is an advert on the inside back cover of the ménage a un show programme. Who or what is that advertisement for?
Answer: Viz
Question 23
I like poker. Which previous winner of the World Series of Poker did I knock out of a tournament earlier this year?
Answer: Joe Hachem
Question 24
I did a show called "Someone Likes Yoghurt" even though I don't like yoghurt any more than an average person. But what was the name of the Spanish entrepreneur who first industrialised the production of yoghurt in 1919 and what was the name of the son that he named the business after?
Answer: The entrepreneur was Isaac Carasso and his son was Daniel (The business was " Danone," meaning "Little Daniel")
Question 25
I script edited on the Grumpy Old Women stage show. But which two women wrote that script?
Answer: Jenny Eclair and Judith Holder
Question 26
In the Radio show "Lionel Nimrod's Inexplicable World" what did the character Lionel Nimrod claim to have invented and which character did he say he played in the show "Star Ark"?
Answer: Lionel Nimrod invented 'The Interstellar Laser Ray-Gun Toy' and he played "Mackay the Morloi " in the show "Star Ark" I am tempted to dock half a point from all those of you who spelt it Mckie, as you have clearly found it in the same source, but I wont
Question 27
In my book Talking Cock, what did I propose we should rename the rectum and in whose honour?
Answer: The rectum was renamed the "Marber" in honour of "Patrick Marber"
Question 28
I appear in the history sketch show TWTTIN. In series one we revealed the answer to this question. When Guy Fawkes was caught trying to blow up the Houses of Parliament what did he claim that his name was?
Answer: John Johnson (or as the sketch had it John John Johnstone, from 1 John Street, St Johnstone.)
Question 29:
I end the month of November in the town of Gloucester, a place famous for Dr Foster, cheese and the murders of Fred and Rose West. At what address did Fred and Rose live when they were finally captured for their awful crimes?
Answer: 25 Cromwell Street
Question 30
What was the name of the character that my hero Zach Braff played iun Arrested Development and what was the name of the video series that that character produced?
Answer: In 'Arrested Development' he was 'Phillip Litt'. He produced the " Girls With Low Self Esteem" video series.
Nearly 50 of you took part. Thanks very much. My decision on scoring is final and no correspondence will be entered into.
The WINNER is Kellie Walton with 29 points
Olly Betts wins something for being closest to the number of hits
Edd Mcardle wins a Stewart Lee DVD for knowing the Nick Wood question
Sally Campbell wins something for coming equal second, but having the best presented entry.
I will be in touch with the above named to get their addresses. Well done.
