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Tuesday 4th May 2021

No real drama, thankfully, but it was very windy, so only the dedicated will get through it.

I knew my ball tumour had been pretty big, but there was so much going on in all the phone calls and consultations that I could never quite remember the dimensions. Had someone said it was 16cm long? No, surely not. I have a pretty hefty scrotum but it’s can’t accommodate 6 inches (there isn’t a joke in there, so stop trying to think of one).

I got a letter from my consultant today confirming all the stuff we talked about back in March, before the chemo. This confirmed that the tumour had basically taken over the whole testis, like it was some kind of Borg or bodysnatcher and measured an impressive and still slightly unbelievable 6cm by 4.4cm by 2cm. You would think I would have noticed a lump like that hitching a ride in my nadger hammock and I suppose in the end, I did, but it’s amazing to me that there was still some question in my mind, even in January, that anything was really wrong. Who would have guessed that Right Bollock is pretty much to scale?

My balls (and especially the right one) have always been quite big, but not that big. Was I in denial? Had I really not noticed anything earlier? I am trying to think whether I had any concerns, even vague ones, and pushed them to the back of my mind. I had sat on one of my balls for the first time ever at some point last year, but put that down to being old and gravity taking its effect (the joke I did about that issue in Oh Frig I’m 50 was not actually based on personal experience - I’d actually kept it pretty tight in the ballsack). And I don’t think the sitting on the ball was what caused the damage - it was a light contact and I stood up before any damage could be done. But it suggests that this has been a gradual, rather than a sudden infestation. I had squatters in my bollocks and they ate up their home from within. Where would they have gone next if I hadn’t finally gone to the GP.

I did start wondering about the person whose job it is to measure cancerous knackers. It’s not one of the glamour jobs of medicine. I at least hope they give the ruler a good wipe once they’ve finished. 

I am, of course, planning many projects which will focus on my bollocks now. I have started thinking about a book about the experience. Today I put all the blogs that touch upon this issue into one document and it comes out as over 16000 words (and today’s blog will add a few hundred more). There’s plenty I haven’t written about and there’s loads of other stuff I’d want to cover, but that’s a pretty good start. I am certain I wouldn’t have remembered most of what has happened to me without immediately documenting it (though coyly to start with). So turns out that the Simpsons writer was right. This is very much my first - get it all down- draft and now I can have fun working on the rewrite! Sometimes writing the blog feels like a waste of time (I would have wasted it any case), but it has proved invaluable so many times and whenever I dip back into the past I will find something that I have actually totally forgotten. Hopefully when I am old and senile they can just project it into my brain so that I know who I was. Or, if they’re kind, they will project the blog of someone more interesting in so I can pretend to be them.

Anyway working title of the book is "Never Mind My Bollock" but I learned from Talking Cock that rude words in the title might be off-putting, so I suspect it will become something less controversial. I have plenty of ideas. Please do not send me yours. It's probably rubbish and if it's not I have already thought of it. I guess if my puppet features in the book that "Talking Ball" might be applicable. Or just "Ball(s)". But if it happens then I am sure the publisher will have ideas of what will work and they won't want anything that references stuff that only fans of my stupid work will get. That's a problem for down the line though.

I finally got my hair cut. Though my hairdresser thought my lockdown hair looked good and didn’t want to take too much off, so I ended up looking the same. 

I walked round a different field on my dog walk tonight. The stones there were like boulders and people were just leaving them lying on the ground. The fools. I listened to Dan Snow talking to Alice Roberts about her new book about ancient burials. She mentioned Cheddar Man (where I grew up) and Pocklington chariot burial (where I was born). This suggests to me that there must be an important skellington somewhere in Loughborough (where I lived from the ages of 4 to 8). I didn’t kill the other ones though and anyone who says I did is lying

First quarter finals of the snooker tonight too. Available on Wednesday in the usual places.

And another guest booking announced for the Clapham Grand. The No Such Thing as a Fish team will be joining me on 14th June. Head to for other guests and ticket links. Hope your as excited as I am to be getting back into an actual theatre! And for those of you with tickets to the Leicester Square Theatre gigs that got cancelled, we're planning another run in October and November and will attempt to get some of the same guests (but from early enquiries it seems like a lot of other big names are interested), so worth hanging on to your places as either way I think they will sell out pretty quick!

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