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Monday 4th September 2017


I continue to have fucked up dreams. After being awake for hours in the middle of the night I had a horribly realistic dream about a nightmare gig. Firstly I got distracted and missed my cue to come on, then when I did finally make it on stage the auditorium was empty, though it turned out Al Murray and Arthur Smith and the audience had pranked me and they were all waiting outside to surprise me.
My mother-in-law and Steve Cheeke (my best friend/rival at school) were in the audience and I got to a point where I realised I had no idea what I was meant to do next and couldn’t think of a single thing to fill the void and had to end the show.
It was horrific, even by the standards of anxiety dreams.
Why was I so worried about impressing my mother-in-law and Steve Cheeke?

And yes, it turned out that that £4045 donation was a mistake and I was quite relieved to see the total fall, as I hated to think of someone thinking they had to go through with that. It screwed up the kicktraq,  putting us on negative donations for the day, but remarkably by the end of the day we were actually on positive donations. Which means we banked over £4000. Which for so early in the campaign is insanely impressive. I think it’s safe to say that we’re going to hit the target now. But maybe we can also fund a future series. And I’d also like to give the poorly paid crew a bit of a pay rise too. And buy a sex robot for me. So keep on backing!
Some of the levels are close to reaching their limit and I think we will shut a couple of them down once we’ve hit the target (there’s a lot of work to be done to get all these signed books out to you in time for Christmas). So don’t leave it too late. And thanks to everyone for making this such an incredible success. I find it all quite moving.

The joke's on ISIS if North Korea and the USA destroy the world! I will be laughing! Some of you might think that might be a short-lived triumph but I’ve just found out that it turns out that Christianity was right and as long as your parents believed you get in! Laughing for eternity ISIS biatches!
On a more serious note I hope we are not evaporated in a nuclear war, though the idea of mutually assured destruction meaning it can never happen has taken a bit of a dent. It seems obvious to me that nuclear weapons will be used at some point in human history (probably pretty close to the end of it): it just takes a terrorist with a budget or two mentally ill and psychopathic world leaders refusing to back down… And in the 70 years since we’ve had these things we’ve already used 2 on people and been in two situations where brinksmanship has brought us to the edge of conflict. So can we really get through another 70 without one or all of these things going off? I am a betting man and I wouldn’t put any money on that. Thank God I now live in the countryside, where all the trees and stuff will protect us against the blast and any subsequent radiation.
On the plus side if I survive and the internet still works, a thermo-nuclear war might just be the kind of historic event this blog needs to turn me into the 21st Century Samuel Pepys. Think how lucky he got with all of London burning around him. It was that event that defined his diary and assured his place in history. So if it does happen it could do wonders for my reputation amongst the ragged band of mutants that will survive in our future.
It’d be a shame if the world is destroyed before we can move into our new house. All that work will have been for nothing. In a way it’s not just the work on the place I was going to live that will have been for nothing.
In any case I think we will be moving into the habitable part of the house tomorrow. We were back there today and I spent most of my time trying to get the internet to work. The phone line was working but none of the various hubs we had were connecting up. The guy working on the electrics actually found two working phone lines at the property, though neither of them seemed to give us broadband. I had a long chat with a helpful guy at BT and we eventually got one of the hubs up and running, (though it remains to be seen how this countrified old-school broadband will cope with our internet demands). He also looked up the ghost line that we shouldn’t have and which we aren’t paying for and he told us that it was not registered at our property. So basically that means we can steal free phone calls whenever we like! I don’t know why that line was in our house and he couldn’t tell us who it belonged to, but at the very least we could fix up a phone to it and answer all the mysterious person’s calls. I mean, I would assume it belonged to our next door neighbour, but what’s it doing in our house? And isn’t it lucky that I am a relatively honest person (unless it involves pick n mix).

Episode 2 of AIOTM is now up on video here.
I love that the screen shot is of Dan Tetsell licking sperm off a toilet mat. It wasn't even in the show.
Or if you prefer to miss some of the jokes and just listen, either close your eyes or head here.

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