When I was at Loch Ness earlier this year I put out an appeal for a virgin to come forward and be used as bait to attract the monster out of the Loch. As I say in the show, "Monsters can't resist a virgin. Even though they are of a different species to us and sexually incompatible, they still got off on the wrongness of it."
The only person to respond to my appeal was an 18 year old school pupil who lived over 600 miles away, near Crewe, called Dave Warburton. Not the kind of virgin I had been hoping for. Even though he was in the middle of his A level revision he kindly offered to make the trip north to assist me. I felt I would be asking too much to make him do this and also, how would I explain the plan to his parents. If I tried to I think they would be right in assuming that I was at least a mental and probably much worse. Though it would have been great to have a picture of Dave tied to a tree for the show, I declined his offer. After all there was also a reasonable chance that he was a mental as well. He might have killed me and made my skin into a suit. I don't know.
Finally I realised that I could still get the laugh of ending up with one offer from a male virgin by merely mentioning the story and showing a photo of Dave. I asked if he would be up for having me revealing his virgin status to the world and if he could send me a photo, which he kindly and gamely did.
Thus I have seen his virgin face every day of the Fringe on the screen behind me.
Before the show tonight one of the tech guys came in all excited and said "Dave Warburton is in the queue!"
"Are you sure?" I said. I had known that Dave had said he might come up.
"If it's not him then it's someone who looks just like him!"
Even though none of us had met him, his face was as familiar to us as our own thanks to the power of my show!
Indeed, as I started the show I clocked Dave (or the person who closely resembled him) in the front row. I wondered how he would take my gentle ribbing at his expense. Maybe like Laurence Clark he would heckle me and tell me to fuck off, protesting on behalf of virgins everywhere.
It seemed unlikely.
Instead when we got to that bit he rather sweetly raised his hand a little and pointed at himself.
I really like Dave Warburton. He is a top bloke.
Of course having him there made the audience more prone to express sympathy (which they do a bit when he's not there) and less likely to laugh (which they usually do). But he seemed happy, yet modestly so, with his mini moment of fame. I addressed a few comments to him throughout, which he took meekly and with good humour.
Afterwards I bought him a pint and we talked somewhat awkwardly about what A levels he was doing and where he was going to college. He's a reserved and polite young man, which makes his offer to help me in my quest all the more remarkable. Unless he had secret designs on that suit made of the skins of fat comedians after all.
He also confirmed that he had managed to keep his most precious gift intact over the last few months. I don't know if this is his own choice or a decision that has been made for him. I suspect it's a mixture of both.
I told him that in the preview versions of the show, I had followed up with another passport photo of an 18 year old virgin - Richard Keith Herring. I had added the tag line, "Don't worry, Dave, only 11 short more years to wait!"
I liked Dave very much (not enough to take his virginity, I am afraid) and admire him for taking part in something that others would have been embarrassed by. It shows a great strength of character. Plus he is the star of a "hit" Fringe show. If I was an 18 year old girl I would definitely want to have sex with him. But I'm not an 18 year old girl and anyone who says I am is lying. The rumours that this weblog is secretly written by a teenage prostitute masquerading as a 37 year old comedian are greatly exaggerated.
So any 18 year old girls whose heads have been turned by Dave's photo plus his new found celebrity, as well as the wrongness of taking his virginity please get in touch. I will forward your emails on to him. If you live near Crewe, all well and good, but let it not be said of Dave Warburton that he isn't prepared to travel.
