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Thanks to the always excellent Comedy Podcast Devotees who have declared me to be this year's Podcast Legend. What a way to discover that I am terminally ill. It's very flattering to get recognition from proper podcast fans though.
I have long tried to be a legend.
Twenty-one years ago I was building up to a busy year in which I attempted to get over mild to severe depression by emulating the fictional character Hercules. I guess we've all done something similar. I'd agreed to run the London Marathon, partly in the hope that the exertion would kill me, figuring that that would not be traumatic for my family than an actual suicide. Ironically training for the Marathon just made me fitter and thus less likely to die. I just couldn't catch a break.
One of the tasks I ended up doing was dating 50 women in 50 days (as Hercules had had sex with 50 women in a night) and to be fair that should have been the show (rather than a 5 minute segment) as I learned an awful lot and discovered that this was actually a much more efficient way to kill myself, as I was basically drunk for two months - and then went on loads of second dates and got pretty ill both physically and mentally. I was surprised by how many people I met that I actually liked - and some of the ones I really liked not unreasonably started dating other people whilst I was on this mad quest - so it was an unsettling and draining time. Again physically and mentally.
It did make me realise - at the age of 36 - that dating wasn't that complex or scary, that it was OK to just have a night out with someone to see how you got on, that honesty is the most important thing (even if you're telling your date that you're seeing 49 other people) and that I was a more attractive proposition than my very limited self-worth had accounted for. It was light-hearted and silly so there was no pressure or expectations, which was actually the perfect start to a date.
This was before dating apps and internet dating was a very niche and mildly embarrassing thing. Things are probably different now. In fact app based dating is probably fairly equivalent to what I went through, though I had to put in a bit more effort to find people to date. They were nearly all friends of friends. It made me realise how many fantastic single women were out there and how it was relatively easy to meet them if you could overcome the awkwardness and embarrassment factor that had hampered me previously. And which apps have again, pretty much eradicated.
It became apparent that most men were pretty bad at dating and that the bar was set so low that it was easy to be an impressive date. My dates were impressed if I asked them questions about themselves, rather than talking just about myself (seems like a no-brainer), they were impressed that I was honest (if you give people a proper understanding of your situation they can then make a decision about if they want to get involved with you - again it's obvious: the times I've been hurt in relationships are nearly always to do with having been lied to), but perhaps most importantly, I didn't smell bad. As I say, the bar was low.
I would never have dreamed of going out on a date without ensuring I had washed recently, but apparently that wasn't a given for all men. You'd think they'd at least dab at the worst smelling bits with a damp flannel, but no. And if you thought a date might be leading somewhere interesting, then surely you'd make sure that the parts you were hoping to utilise were minty fresh (and if you use that minty shower gel you get enough of a thrill that it doesn't matter if the date leads to nothing).
Since that time (and perhaps also due to my work on Talking Cock) I have become an ambassador for encouraging men to wash their dicks.Just keep them clean fellas. Balls and arseholes also (everything ideally, but if you have limited time concentrate on the stinkiest bits). Who knows how many of the world's recent problems might have been solved if men and incels had realised that if they just wiped their knob with a baby wipe before going out that they might find someone who'd like to have sex with them.
I've always been a fan of novelty products that address (but also solve) this issue, such as the
fabulous Willy Brush.
Today @schmandle on Bluesky drew my attention to
the Glizz Wash which is a high-tech attempt to keep penises fresh and clean. The website boasts
"The Glizz Wash is an innovative, portable hygiene device designed for modern men to ensure cleanliness and comfort after intimacy. Compact and discreet, it employs a 360-degree automatic motion system to provide a thorough yet gentle cleaning experience. Designed for the modern Romeo who knows the struggle is real when it comes to cleanup post-passion, this device adds a sprinkle of romance and a dash of humour to the art of staying fresh. It features dense and soft bristles made from food-grade materials for gentle cleaning."
Now my major problem with this is that the Glizzwash seems to be being pushed as a post-coital phallus cleaner, attempting to solve the problem of what a man does when his member is claggy with the juices of sexual intercourse. This does not seem to be a problem for me. That is the one time when a dirty penis is something to be admired and enjoyed - the mingling of fluids from both you and your partner which I don't think it's very polite or desirable to be rushing to clean off in a spinning cup thing that you keep by your bed (though it might be useful if things have got messy if you've put it up someone's bum).
Glizz Wash should be encouraging their patrons to use the product pre-date or at least pre-coitus, so everything is fresh for the partner. And sure if you want to use it after so that you're ready for your next lover then that's cool too. But the issue with dirty penises isn't post-coitus, it's that they are preventing coitus. Readjust your advertising materials Ian Glizz.
I am also a bit suspect that the device has a two and a half hour battery life. No one's penis is that dirty. I think there's a possibility that this thing is being marketed as a shaft cleanser, whereas it's actually for guys who have no one to make their dick sticky with, so want to do it on their own.
It's also possible that Glizz Wash just have some stock left over from something else and have rebranded, as Perrell Laquarius Brown points out more eloquently than I could, using language that I would not be comfortable using myself.
It does indeed resemble a dog paw cleaner. And to be honest, I have more need for one of those than something to clean myself with or fuck. But it will do all three presumably, without you letting your postman know you have filthy genitals.
But who cleans the dog paw cleaner?
