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Wednesday 7th February 2018

5552/18572
Oh yes, I did see the news about Cheddar Man. I am just amazed at the family resemblance to my history teacher, Mr Targett.
And some surprising news this morning as our self-published Emergency Questions book was nominated for a Chortle award. It is definitely the fourth best book on this list of excellent tomes, but hopefully the universal brilliance of the others will split the vote and allow my stupid book to win. It would be a travesty if it did. RHLSTP is also nominated in the internet comedy section. Please vote for me if you feel so inclined. 

Away for three days and two nights and it’s a real wrench leaving the family behind. I told Phoebe I’d miss her and asked if she’d like a cuddle. “No!” she said. And then to rub it in she said “I want to cuddle mummy,” which she then did. And as she did so she looked me in the eye and said, “Ha!” She knew she was being cruel and funny and she knew it would make me laugh. And as if to prove that she still liked me, but didn’t want anyone else to know (the story of my life with women), later, when no one was looking, she came up and gave me a little squeeze from behind. We have to keep up the public face of antipathy but I think she will miss me too. Not as much as I will miss her. But that is the tragedy of parenthood.
More signs that I am in my fifties. I realised this morning that I had put my underpants on back to front, surely a sign of ageing, but even more so, I couldn’t be bothered to take off my shoes and trousers and so they stayed the wrong way round for the rest of the day. I’m 50 and no longer give a fuck.
Also I’d bought a pack of liquorice all sorts to eat on my three days of driving around the country (my tour manager can’t do this leg of the tour). But I knew I’d eat them all, except the horrible coconut ones within 30 minutes. I predicted this exact thing and was proven correct. But more horrifically than I could imagine. As this 190g bag contained 14 of the coconut monstrosities. Bertie Bassatt is a fucking cunt. This led to some impassioned discussion on which all sort was the best. Many people claimed to actually like the coconut ones best - they are clearly Bassatt’s employees spreading lies - and to hate the real best one, the aniseed spongy thing. Some people said they didn’t like liquorice at all, which is just strange. 
I was feeling a little bit under the weather by the time I got to Sutton Coldfield. I thought I had somehow avoided the bugs that have been laying my family low, despite kissing my kids’s snotty faces and sleeping in the same bed as them, but just at the exact wrong timeI could feel lurgy creeping over me. 
By halftime of the show I was struggling a bit, but the fabulous crowd kept me on track and it was another thoroughly enjoyable performance and the show continued to develop. None of us can really remember how long I’ve been coming up to this comedy club to do my tour shows, but certainly since Hitler Moustache and I would think probably even longer.

The RHLSTP with Kathy Burke is now up. It’s audio only (though we will put it on the video channels too), but I think it’s one of the strongest ones we’ve done. Listen here - or on iTunes.
And if you want to help us raise funds for the podcast by drinking some FREE BEER then head over to our friends at Beer 52 who are offering to pay us £5 for every person who signs up to receive 8 craft beers for nothing (you pay £5.95 for postage). Just use this link. If you stay in you’ll get 8 beers a month for £24, but you can unsubscribe straight away if you just want the free ones. 


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My new stand up show, Oh Frig I'm 50 is at on tour from February til June 2018. There's also a new series of RHLSTP with recordings every Monday from February 5th to April 2nd All details of shows here.
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