I am feeling almost like a regular human being again after another day (mainly) at home. We went for a run through the muddy countryside, up steep lanes and through fields. As we turned a corner we saw what looked like a hulking ruined building or part of an ancient castle ahead of us. I could even make out the slits in it where the archers would have fired their arrows. It seemed unlikely that such a ruin would be here, but maybe it was part of an old wall, though like some kind of actual magic eye picture it changed back and forth as I looked at it. I suspected that it was made of bails of hay, which would make more sense, but just when I'd convinced myself of that I'd look again and be certain it had to be a stone construction. We ran right up to it to check and if it was a castle it was one made by the first little pig, as it was all straw. I'd enjoyed the unsettling optical illusion though.
Later we walked down into town to do some shopping and pick up some dry cleaning and undelivered post. Harpenden is very hilly, which was all right on the way down, but I wasn't relishing the uphill walk home. We ended up with quite a lot of awkward things to carry. I was feeling pleased with myself because I had found a carrier bag in my coat pocket, meaning I didn't have to destroy the world by getting another one. But as we filled it with groceries, including some eggs, I noticed there was a couple of quite big tears in it up near one of the handles. I wondered if we should risk it, but then again I didn't want to destroy the world (or more importantly have to pay 5p for another one) so I decided I would take the chance. My fiancee protested. She thought it was madness. I said that you have to take risks in life and that in any case I was sure the bag would hold out fine and stated that there was nothing fragile or breakable in the bag anyway. I knew that eggs were fragile. I was just trying to wind her up. She has this for the rest of her life. Well the rest of my life. Which might not be quite such a long time.
We had a good mile or so to carry this stuff and I had dry cleaning in the other hand, but I enjoyed being hubristically cocky within the first couple of hundred metres. "Hmmmm, the bag looks fine," I said swinging it in a devil-may-care fashion, "Looks like someone is going to look pretty silly when we get home."
My fiancee just called me a dick and we carried on. I hoped that the heavyish shopping could stay in the bag and not cause the rifts to grow bigger. I literally had all my eggs in one plastic bag.
As we got down to the last few yards I commented that someone would have to be giving a pretty good apology to the other one shortly. I actually couldn't work out if I wanted the bag to stay in one piece or break. Both eventualities would be funny. But if the eggs broke I think my long suffering partner would probably shift gear from resigned weariness to actual proper anger. I was seriously considering spinning the bag around my head in triumph once we were back in the flat. I had utter confidence in this scarred but plucky bag. It was my hero.
In the end I just took solace in being right. Everything got back home in one piece. This bag would last me forever and I would never give up on it. I kept my salad in it to take to Tring for tonight's gig.
The people of Tring were a little more shockable than most of the audiences on this tour and they weren't sure about some of the ruder material. I get a very mixed audience in terms of age generally, but the average age was a little higher than usual tonight. They came round to me eventually though.They seemed a bit non-plussed by the Stewart Lee jokes and I commented, "I don't know if you aren't going for this because you don't like it or because you don't know who Stewart Lee is. Though weirdly if it's the latter then I almost don't know if I should be a little bit delighted. I've never been happier about a joke not working."
There was a pregnant lady in the second row and I tried to include her in the sexcrement chat and also later pointed out that she was way too good for her partner and it wasn't too late to escape just because he'd impregnated her. They seemed to be enjoying the show and took it in good spirits, but in the second half they did not come back. I hope this was because they were feeling tired rather than because of any offence or boredom, but you can't please all the people.
I discussed the loss at the start of the second half, saying it was a shame to have lost two audience members. But then I corrected myself saying, "Actually I suppose it was 3. In fact one of my audience has walked out of the show before even being capable of walking which is quite an achievement."
I was a bit confused throughout because my water bottle said Buxton again and I was pretty sure I wasn't in Buxton. Had I accidentally returned. Or had I never left, a few people on Twitter pointed out that my bottle said "Buxton still".
Afterwards I loaded my recyclable rubbish (I care about the world, but I don't like to talk about all I do to help) and a bunch of bananas that had been on my rider but which I hadn't eaten so they were kind of mine to steal (I also care about myself). I stuffed it all into my trusty plastic bag and it was at this point that it decided to break. Perhaps it was in judgement of me sort of stealing some bananas or at me being smug about recycling my water bottles, when maybe bottled water isn't really the most environmentally friendly thing in the world. Perhaps it just wanted to prove to me that my girlfriend is always right, if not immediately then eventually. But the joke was on it, because when I got it home I threw it in the bin. I could have taken it to the supermarket to be recycled, but the bags must learn not to humiliate me and this is the only way they'll learn.
