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I was sitting next to a businessman at the airport as we waited for out flight home. He was on the phone, but I wasn't listening in. He was having a serious business conversation and there's nothing more boring than that. But then I heard him say, earnestly "I'll just add in that I've sent them three bags of corn flakes and they can do what they want with it."
Sometimes you realise that being a comedian isn't the stupidest job you can do. At least we know we're trying to be ridiculous. Imagine saying a sentence like that without even a smile.
There's a chance that "corn flakes" is code for something and it does seem odd to be sending it in bags rather than boxes, but I think it was genuine.
Who is the real sick man in this so-called society, the normal, nice man who travels the country talking to strangers about his diseased testicle or is it the businessman in his suit and tie, sending out free bags of corn flakes and not caring what people do with them?"
He wasn't even wearing a suit and tie, just a sweatshirt. And when he stood up he didn't even have the back of his trousers cut out, revealing women's underwear.
You may have had to watch my work in the 90s to understand what's been going on in the ;ast couple of paragraphs.
As funny as it was to be stopped by airport security because of my false hand and puppet testicle, I was actually more surprised today when my bag went through the machine and was returned to me, without comment. Didn't you see the human hand, guys? I guess it's worth the gamble if you're an international Frankingstein after all.
The airport and flight experiences have been incredibly smooth on this trip. They've been a nightmare on previous trips, but this time I wasn't on Easyjet or flying from Luton. Today Bollings and me even got a spare seat between us. I was by the window and looked down at the clouds and the land beneath, trying and failing to work out where we might be based on the buildings. As a younger man I'd look at the clouds with wonder and awe and as jaded as I am I got a little echo of that today. Most of humanity never saw the world from this perspective. I was listening to the audiobook of Suetonius' Lives of the Caesars and wondered what he'd think if someone told him that in centuries time people wouldn't only still be reading his book, but some people would be flying above the clouds, listening to it being read on a device that could call up any piece of information in the world (if it wasn't in flight safe mode). Maybe in 2000 years time, people on Saturn will be able to access a holographic sex robot of me that will telepathically transmit "Can I Have My Ball Back?" into their brain whilst they are bumming me in a flying saucer.
Instagram seems intent on showing me videos of plane crashes when it's not showing me videos of young women jiggling their breasts around (I don't know why I am getting this stuff, so watch everything they send me to see if I can pick up any clues). Having seen reconstructions of pilots making dumb mistakes or planes falling apart due to maintenance issues does make flying slightly more nervy, but I know in my heart that this is a safe way to travel.
Looking out at the wing I saw a few spots where the paint had flaked off and as we came into land there was a bit of bumpy turbulence but we got down to the ground without exploding. Also no one danced around without a bra on. I am starting to think that Instagram may not represent reality. But will keep checking.
Got home just before the kids got back from school. They both seemed pleased to see me and even Phoebe gave me a little hug. Ernie told me that I wasn't allowed to go away again without his permission, so I guess I will have to pull the remaining tour dates.
