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Wednesday 7th May 2014
Wednesday 7th May 2014

Wednesday 7th May 2014

4182/17101

I woke up annoyingly early and couldn't get back to sleep, which meant the rest of the day passed in a bit of a blur. I failed to get any work done, but as I had lots of things in the diary I probably wouldn't have done much anyway. First I went up to Broadcasting House to do a recording for a secret project. On the way out I passed an outdoor rehearsal for the One Show and realised that amongst the group of people in front of me were three quarters of Buck's Fizz and three quarters of Brotherhood of Man. If only the blonde one from Abba had been there my life would have been complete. I am not usually impressed by celebrity, but felt that one was worthy of a photo. And what a supergroup that would be. I hope they get together and tour as Brotherhood of Fizz or Buck's Man. Both fucking excellent band names.

I then ambled over to Absolute Radio to do an interview on the Geoff Lloyd Show. I popped into Hugo Boss on the way and set off the shop lifting alarms as I left. I hadn't shoplifted anything and wondered if technology was so good now that it was able to ascertain that I had shoplifted Kinder Eggs in the past. I was called back into the shop and they looked through my bags. I recalled setting off an alarm in Tesco yesterday (which I had assumed was nothing to do with me, but now realised was) and worked out that something I had recently bought must be causing this. I bought a new wallet last week and we put that in the machine and it beeped and then I had to take everything out of it to try and find the hidden tag. In the process I discovered that the wallet has two compartments that I wasn't aware of, so that's a bonus! I got away without being imprisoned. This time.

The chat with Geoff went well. It started at 7.10pm and I mentioned that I was on stage for the first of two charity gigs (I do a lot of work for charity but I don't like to talk about it) at 8.05. He seemed surprised that I didn't need to be spending an hour centring myself, but my plan was to walk to the theatre and then walk on stage and do my stuff. I actually got there with about 20 minutes to spare. I haven't played the Wyndham's Theatre before, but it was rather lovely and packed full and I had a whole lot of fun (I think they also raised some money for Shelter, but that's not what is important here). I guess there was about 1000 people in there and as usual it made me realise what a delight it is to play a room of this size. There's really time to stand back and let the laughter flow around the room. Imagine if you got to do this every night! Though the fact it's still a rare treat for me means that I always enjoy such an experience and haven't got blase about it.

I briefly chatted with some of the other acts, including alien-eyed Stewart Lee (though the actor Kevin Eldon had not yet shown up so I didn't get to add another entry to my I-Spy TMWRNJ book) before jumping in a cab up to Archway for a slightly more raucous gig in a pub, this time raising money for one of my favourite charities Scene and Heard. C'mon Rich, one charity gig in a night makes you a hero, but two? You're like the new Jimmy Savile.

If I was in charge of this country everyone who did any charity work at all would be sent to prison. You'd get a couple of innocent people in amongst them, but we all know they are just doing this stuff to compensate for some awful thing they've done.

I am one of the good ones.

The show was running late and the adrenaline rush from gig 1 abated quite fast and I tried to preserve my energy for this performance. The Showstoppers who improvise a musical were on before me and the audience's suggestions for them to work with were pretty dark, referencing recent unpleasant crimes, so I worried that they might be a bit of a handful. But if anything I seemed to shock them a bit with my material, which given what they'd been suggesting minutes before made me a bit worried for myself. It was a nice gig though. I like the fact that I get to perform in massive theatres and in the corner of pubs standing on a stage made out some chipboard in the same night.

My good works were trumped though by my wife and her friend finding a lost cat in Shepherd's Bush (they recognised it from one of those lamp post posters that go up when such a thing happens) and reunited it with its owner. Send my wife and her friend and the cat to prison. That kind of do-gooding can only be hiding some darker flaw in their characters.

I like it when my day is all mapped out for me like this and rushing from one place to the next makes me feel like I am in a very crap version of Treasure Hunt (where I am both Anneka Rice and Kenneth Kendal). But by the time I got home I was ready to drop.

The video version of the Jon Ronson RHLSTP is now up in the usual place. There is a free clip to watch here.



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My new stand up show, Lord of the Dance Settee will be touring from October 2014 to May 2015 All details here.
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