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I literally hopped over to St Albans today for a short podcast appearance at Pub in the Park. It was quite a hop. But I literally did it.
I'd been asked to appear on a podcast hosted by Simon Rimmer off of Sunday Brunch. I like Simon and it was literally only a hop away, so I thought I'd go along even though they were only offering tickets and food as payment.
I didn't really know what Pub in the Park involved and the family had stuff to do, so I decided to go along alone and then come back as soon as I was done. And I'd had lunch so I didn't need any food.
Whatever decision I make with this sort of thing is always wrong. When I got there I realised it would have been a great day out for the family - we could have come down early and had a great time. As it was it was a fun record where I ate a bit of pickled egg and played darts. I had six darts and managed to score 4, which is pretty impressive, but the four that got in the board were very nicely grouped in the 1 and the two that missed were just outside the same area of the board, so I was just shooting a bit to the right. I haven't played darts since I had my operation, so my centre of balance will have changed. Or would that had made me shoot more to the left?
I'd have been much better off not aiming at all, but have the honour of the lowest score of any guest and I doubt that will be beaten. Luckily I hadn't said that I used to play a lot of darts as a teenager, which would have made my humiliation all the greater.
On the walk through the festival a lady approached me to say that she'd got my substack email this morning. I had titled that Silver Fox versus Grandma Hopkins and she told me that she'd had a Grandma Hopkins and had been really freaked out when the email arrived. And if that wasn't coincidence enough she now happened to bump into me in a very crowded park. And now I've actually written about her in my blog which she'll get by email. Mindblowing. If she's as mad as 90% of my fans she will read some extra significance into that and now do my bidding - kill the president. Kill the president.
I was on the podcast alongside Karen, a dancer from Strictly, undoubtedly one of the most famous people in the country, but not known to me at all. Although I Googled her later and realised I had heard of her as she was previously married to Kevin from Strictly and a bit of their story had permeated through to me.
She seemed up for a laugh and some shots and was letting her hair down ahead of the new series. She didn't bully me or try to break up my marriage, so I can just say that from my experience all the rumours about Strictly are nonsense.
Backstage Simon had asked me if I'd ever go on Strictly, but even if they asked (which is not likely) I would be in no rush. I'm only really up for quiz shows, Would I Lie To You? QI and Who Do You Think You Are? now and none of them seem keen to book me.
I don't have what it takes to be a celebrity and nor do I want to be one. I could walk through St Albans park and only get recognised by a woman who thinks I am sending her personalised emails and some parents from the kids' old school who were keen to know how the new school was.
And then, when it was over, I basically got in a cab and went home. I had played darts against one of the dancers from Strictly and been comprehensively defeated, even though I was aiming and she was just chucking them at the board and then I was gone. The organiser of the event introduced me to a woman who he said would get me whatever I wanted to eat and I had to say, "Sorry, my car's here". And I'd had baked beans on toast at home. I felt a bit rude to be sloping off, but this is my default setting. Terrified of both imposing and being on my own in social situations so going home.
Show business is odd and I am socially awkward (off-stage - fine on it) and terrible at networking. And like I say, always make the the wrong decisions, But I really like Simon Rimmer and was happy to do his podcast in return for a quarter of a pickled egg, some non-alcoholic lager and darts-based humiliation. And being at home listening to the York City match on BBC Sounds is where I belong.
