Another 9/11 passes by unmarked by the media. How soon they forget. For shame.
My back has got better much more quickly than I anticipated, barely giving me a twinge today, even with 50 minutes in the gym this morning. I have been given another shot at youth and I am going to make the most of it: forward rolls, bungee jumping, carrying boxes of programmes up my stairs, lifting without bending my knees, giving donkeys rides on my back on the sea front to pay them back for all that they've done for me (ah, just reminded myself of the sad looking, frazzled donkeys in a field near Weston Super Mare in the 1970s, forlornly waiting for the summer season and worse to come - though all donkeys look forlorn to be fair).
To avoid the traffic nightmare of yesterday I set off for Aldershot stupidly early - just after 3. It's only a 50 minute drive and I was on at 8, but I thought better safe than sorry and I could always enjoy the delights of Aldershot if there were no hold ups. Of course God, half-heartedly making me the star of a sit-com that he was long ago bored of writing came up with the hilarious joke of making the roads clear, so I got to Aldershot over three hours early. He'd played the long game on this too, by making sure that Aldershot was the most boring and bleak place on the planet. It seemed a lot of effort for a weak gag, but after infinity of doing this God has to get his pleasure where he can. He's like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day, but He hasn't yet got through the bit where he is bored and depressed and has given in. Shortly He will get to the point where He kills Himself over and over again only to find He's still alive in the morning. Don't you get it God? If you can just make one day where everyone has a brilliant time then the whole thing will end. Should perhaps have put a spoiler alert in there. Not for God's sake though, because remember He has seen Groundhog Day before. In fact God has seen every single showing of Groundhog Day there has ever been. Somewhere in the world right now, someone is watching Groundhog Day and God is there in the room, watching it again, thinking to Himself "This is a bit like Groundhog Day" but not laughing at His joke, because He's made it every other time He's seen the film. He now spits it out furiously with bile and laughs much too much in a sarcastic way. Not only is He actually seeing billions of people living their lives, making the same mistakes day after day, with the same petty concerns as every other human being, never learning, He also has to watch Groundhog Day repeatedly as well. He'd love to tune out and think about something else, but He can't. Because even though he is omnipotent, he does not have the power to absent Himself from all this. So not quite as omnipotent as He thought.
Poor fucker. Even if He destroys the world He has to put up with the souls of all the stupid imperfect people He created clogging up his Heavenly mansion. It's not like He can go around unnoticed, however mysteriously He moves. If He wants to sit having a drink of nectar in the cafe someone will always come up to Him and say, "Are You who I think You are? Just wanted to say, love Your work, You're brilliant. But can I just ask, I always wondered, why do You let bad things happen to good people?"
"Can you just leave me alone? I'm just trying to have some quiet time with my family," God might shout.
"Ooooh, all right. Bloody Hell, how rude. You're not as nice as You come across in the Bible."
"Have you even read the fucking thing? It's full of Me blighting people and flooding the world and turning people into pillars of salt. I'm a right cock hole in it. Leave Me alone. Why won't anyone leave Me alone?"
Anyway I digress. I got to Aldershot and parked up in the Tesco multistore in the hope that they would have a cafe inside, where I could kill an hour. And I was delighted to see that they did. This is my glamorous lifestyle. This is what it's like on tour.
I then headed to the venue, which has been a familiar stop on pretty much all my tours. There have been some unusual and difficult gigs here -
like this Hercules preview where I was lucky to come out alive and
more recently when I had a UKip supporting heckler, but there have been great gigs too and unusually there is a wonderful continuity of staff, who are passionate and efficient and friendly. As long as they are here I will keep coming back (whether they want me or not). Tonight's gig was the favourite one I've done here - no racists or angry men wanting to beat me in (as far as I know) - just a warm and enthusiastic response. It's only taken me nine years to crack this 150 seater venue!
Jules who techs the venue and has done every time I've been and still looks 25 years old was there again of coure. When I first visited the venue in 2002 told me she was a massive fan of TMWRNJ. Her teenage son was in the audience tonight and he's just got into Fist of Fun via some dodgy illegal DVD copy (I'd have given him the box set if it was out yet, but it's been slightly delayed - should be with you in a couple of weeks). He really liked Peter Dibdin the driving instructor and incredibly and tragically I was able to have a good crack at the pulling away from the kerb procedure acronym for him. Good to see this work being passed down the generations.
