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Thursday 25th May 2017

Thursday 25th May 2017

5295/18215
I was worried we didn’t have enough to fill our time this year, so thank goodness I can finally reveal to you that we’re having another baby in the autumn. We’re having a boy one, so have completed the set. Nice to see male/female parity restored in the family. Imagine if it had been three women and one man - what kind of terrible panel show would that have made? It’s never happened, so no one actually knows.
I am trying to convince my wife that we should call him Booz. It’s a solid biblical name. But we really must call him Booz of Catie to distinguish him from all the other Boozes who will be in his class.
We were at the hospital for the twenty week scan. Last week on holiday I first felt the butterfly kicks through my wife’s stomach making first contact with this new life form, but now we got to have a look at little Booz and assess his growth and health and focus in on his genitalia, which in any other circumstance would surely be deeply wrong ad even in these circumstances seems a bit weird.
Phoebe at this stage had made us laugh by kicking and flailing around, given us any early indication of her exuberance. But Booz was much cooler and laid back. Literally so. He was resisting all of our attempts to make him turn around so that the medical professional could assess the growth of his spine. Catie had to roll around, jump up and down and go for a walk, but Booz (sorry that’s Booz of Catie if you were getting confused) stayed where he was. Finally  the woman doing the scan basically pushed him until he scooted up a bit and we could finish up the appointment. It was quite funny to see my wife put through this ridiculous pantomime in the name of medical science. All this equipment around us and ultimately the only recourse was to shove him until he had had enough.
We got a scan of the cool customer who seems to be holding a gun up to his lips and blowing away the smoke. Or maybe flicking the Vs. Or just being a bit of a thinker. Definitely not just sucking his thumb cos there’s nothing else to do. Whatever he’s not the kind of person you want to annoy by buffetting him around until he has to reluctantly roll over. I confidently predict that this new baby is going to be chilled out and no trouble. You see if I am wrong.
I don't remember Phoebe's scan being quite so fastidious and thorough, but maybe we have just forgotten. It's so strange to be able to see a human being before they have emerged into the world and see their bones and organs and their frankly impressive scrotum (like father like son). Life is too surreal to be real.
I am, of course, delighted to be bringing another illegal immigrant into the country through the most sneaky of channels and all the time during the tour that I’ve been saying I was doing all I could to prevent a second child crawling into my house demanding food and trainers I was secretly laughing at you, because I knew it was happening. I have come to fatherhood relatively late and wasted a lot of my life pursuing lifestyles that whilst very enjoyable (when they weren’t totally depressing) were ultimately self-defeating. Being a dad has been the best thing I have ever done. So having two kids must be twice as good, right?
One and a half kids before I turn 50 - at this rate I should have 3 kids by the time I am 100. Let’s see if maths works or if it will be proved to be the whorish coquette that we all know it to be. 


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My new stand up show, The Best is touring from September 2016 to June 2017 All details here.
Buy tickets to Richard Herring's Leicester Square Theatre Podcast from the LST website
You can download the audio for free from the British Comedy Guide or iTunes or watch the video on YouTube