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You probably don't know because I don't like to talk about it, but as well as only having one testicle, I have no visual imagination (or as it is known by some who want to make my life sound like an old school Disney film, aphantasia). Still no parking badge. How much do you need not to have before you are classified as disabled. I am physically and mentally challenged and need to park near the shops in case I forget how to make my way from the car to Waitrose.
I had a dream last night in which I thought I had conquered my aphantasia. I had wonderful colourful images spreading out in my mind. I'd done it. I could finally see things in my head like a regular little boy. The colours, the images- it was all so vivid and wonderful.
This was a cruel trick for my brain to play on me. I am able to see images in my dreams (some aphantasiacs cannot), so my dreams can show me what it would be like if I could imagine images when I was awake, all the time knowing that I can't. I was so full of gratitude and wonder and so annoyed when I woke up and then later realised that none of it had happened. My waking brain was a giving me nothing by a dark grey blackness, even though my taunting sleeping brain can see every colour of the rainbow and any fucked up image it cares to dream up.
It really suggests that there's a literal switch in my brain that if I could only just find it I could turn this thing on permanently. If I can see images when I am asleep, why not when I am awake? It makes zero sense.
Here's what you could have won... the motorboat of my dreams has sunk into unfathomable depths when I awake. What a mother fucker my brain is.
I don't mind it dreaming, but to make me dream that I can imagine stuff out of my dreams is just the utmost cruelty that suggests a very real severance between waking and sleeping me.
A Christmas party at my manager's house tonight. Some big comedy stars were pointing out that their hard work had paid for this place. I pointed out that my hard work had maybe paid for the side table that the cheese was on. We all have our place in the firmament.
It turns out that getting 15% of loads of people's earnings is better than getting 85% of just yours. Especially if you are me.
But I might have a swimming pool in my basement. I just haven't looked. So who is best?
Ben Evans (not that one) has put together another fun E
mergency Questions compilation, this one in which comedians and celebs tell me what they'd morph into if they could go into a chrysalis and come out as anything that they wished (one of my favourite questions).
