Another package arrived from home with my birth certificate and my music certificates (I got 99 out of 99 in Grade V Theory - beat that Nigel Kennedy!) and more letters from teenage sweethearts. I had a quick read of a couple of them and was slightly overwhelmed by the depth of feeling expressed in them. Teenage emotions are powerful things and the unrestricted love (if not lust) written about by my first proper girlfriend is moving in its honesty and sincerity - even if we being mere babes in arms could not really have known what love really was. But she is away and missing me and I suppose that when feelings were that intense it's not surprising if their faint echoes still rattle round the corners of your heart all these years later.
There is also a letter from one of the first girls I ever kissed, Carla, a Dutch girl who I met when I was on holiday with my parents in France. We'd had a bit of a snog and a fumble on the day before I went home when I was maybe 14. Yet even though we barely knew each other her letter is full of declarations of love and longing, though a sad, pragmatic understanding that it was unlikely that we'd ever meet again and so should move on with our lives.
She was right. It was best that we did that. But I still wondered what had become of her in the last 27 years. I googled her to see if there was any mention, but of course she'll be married now and her surname will be different. It was a sweet and innocent little friendship, and of course we soon moved on and almost forgot each other. But you never quite forget. It would be cool to find out what had happened to her. I guess if she ever googles me then she might get in touch. If so, hello Carla. It was funny when I accidentally stepped into the lake in the darkness wasn't it?
I had been reminded about her over the last few months because there is a little note she wrote me on the day I left, which I kept sellotaped in the diary that I read from in the show. It reads, "My dear Richard,
I hope that I see you soon.
Don't talk to much wich (?) girls then I am jaloeus (I don't no how you mus write in English)
I love you very much
bye
Your dear
Carla"
Ah sweet. I remember she gave me a little Dutch coin which I kept for years and actually used as a good luck charm during my O levels two years later, keeping it clenched in my left hand throughout all the exams. So obviously she meant something to me. But that was probably because she was the first girl to put her tongue in my mouth and let me put my hand up her top.
My loyalty is easily bought girls.
It all left me in a contemplative and bitter/sweet romantic mood, but luckily this was quickly dissipated by the arrival of Collings for our anniversary podcast and I was soon talking about how big Jesus' cock was and whether God had abused him in creating said penis. Jesus kindly agreed to pose for us for our picture and is clearly indicating the size of his member. It turns out that it is a humble cock, but he seems proud about it. Jesus understands that it's what you do with it that counts. And imagine the tricks he could get up to with his little fella. I bet he could make it spin 360 degrees. And that's lengthways. You can hear all about it at
the usual place.
And great news this afternoon. The Headmaster's Son has been nominated for Best Full Show in
The Chortle Awards. Apart from the notbbc nods I have picked up and my Daily Telegraph Worst Comedy Experience 2005 award this is pretty much the only award nomination I've ever had in 20 years and certainly the most prestigious. Although there is a lot of retrospective fondness for some of my work, especially the stuff I did with Stew, no one in charge of awards lists ever seemed to like it at the time, so it's quite a big thing for me to have got a little recognition. I am up against some really brilliant acts who are all better than me, but that doesn't matter. Because now it's down to a public vote and hopefully I can finally put my internet presence to some good use. Those other fellas have had bag loads of awards, and I am old and might die soon, unrecognised and unloved, so please, for the love of God
VOTE FOR ME. The "click here to vote" link is hidden about 12 lines down in the text.
I am nothing if not desperate. Though genuinely chuffed just to have been nominated.
If you want to see this award nominated show, then there's over 40 more performances of it - < ahref="http://www.richardherring.com/headmaster/"> So pick one!
