I dared to step on the scales this afternoon at the gym. I had suspected I had put on a bit of weight, what with all the chocolate and drinking and eating junk during touring, and indeed the evidence of my eyes suggested this was the case. But I had hoped that I had always just had the misfortune to look at myself in fairground mirrors that made me look bigger in the middle and also that my eyes had become fairground eyes, so that when I just looked down at my belly, it became disproportionately big.
But whilst there are fairground mirrors and fairground eyes, there is no such thing as a fairground scale and I found that I have put on over half the weight I lost in the last quarter of 2006. It's annoying and depressing, but I am not going to fall for the usual trick that happens when I am depressed and reach for the Monster Munch and Mini-eggs. I am going to try and reverse this trend.
At least it certainly provides some evidence for my controversial belief that weight gain is to do with eating too much food and not exercising enough. Some people argue that there is a fat gene, so that some people are inclined to put on weight, and much as I would like to believed this was true it seems to me that when I eat about 2500 calories a day and so some exercise, I lose weight, whilst when I eat 5000 calories a day and sit on my arse, the fat piles on. I wish someone else would do some research into this. I really think I am on to something. But if you're fat and prefer to blame it on your genes, then you might as well keep eating the crisps. I mean you're never going to be thin because of your genetic make-up so you might as well enjoy yourself, right?
I need to be beautiful for my 40th birthday, to give myself the false impression that I am not old and over the hill. And tragically that day is now only two and a bit months away. And the show I have to write about it is only three months away. That is more scary - given how little I have done.
I am loving the Guardian giveaway at the moment. It's little academic looking booklets with the texts of some of the greatest speeches of the 20th Century, with introductions by notable academics. Every time I buy the Guardian I take out the booklet and put it into my jacket pocket, pulling a face to anyone around me that says "Yes, I am going to keep that and read it later, because it's important and worthy and I am intelligent." They are speeches that changed and moulded the world that we live in by such greats as Mandela, Pankhurst and Thatcher (in the Guardian?).
So far I haven't read a single one of them and I probably never will, but I kind of want to have them in the special little box you can buy on my bookshelf to remind myself that I am potentially clever and interested in the world. Alas I missed a few of them when I was abroad, so my collection might never be complete - you can buy them from the Guardian, but I am not going to pay to be a poser.
I think this speaks volumes about me and when I think of all the books I have bought that I haven't read and all the DVDs that I bave that I haven't seen (especially the more worthy artistic ones) and all places that I want to go, but never quite get round to seeing, it makes me sad.
But then I think I just have a procrastination gene, so none of this is my fault. I should really get government assistance. Or failing that just someone who will come and read and watch all these things for me and give me the gist so I can bluff my way through.
Just want to let you know about an exciting gig I am going to be involved with. It's -
Ha Ha Hammersmith - Benefit for the Lyric Theatre
June 10th 2007
I am compering a benefit gig for the Lyric Hammersmith. Stewart Lee, Al Murray and Russell Howard are also all appearing. As is the lovely Sophie Ellis Bextor!
Visit
The Lyric website for details. Book now as it is very likely to sell out. Ticket Office: 08700 500 511. Lyric Hammersmith, Lyric Square, King Street, London, W6 0QL
I am also in discussions with the Lyric about setting up a semi-regular Sunday night comedy club in their massive theatre in the autumn. It's a chance to celebrate the best in stand-up comedy at the moment, bothe established and new. I have some very exciting names on board already, but as always you will be the first to know when all is confirmed.
