I left Dundee on the train today, hoping I could drink enough free coffee and juice to justify the extra £30 I had spent on sitting in first class. I was hoping to get loads of work done and I made some small progress on my script, but spent most of the time tweeting to pass the time. Silly things like "Now I am back on english twitter I can tell the truth. I hate everyone in Scotland. They are all idiots. Don't tell them I said so."
The Dundee Courier was trying to squeeze as much as it could out of the contest between me and the Sons of Korah
though hopefully this is the end of it. It's worth reading the comments there, because there are some funny ones. Not least of which one where the Reverend takes my above tweet literally. Who let the Scotch see our English Twitter?
Why don't I pretend that was just some kind of joke to try and get out of it?
I am a bit overwhelmed with stuff to do at the moment and as well as thinking about my script I was trying to prep for Have I Got News For You which I am recording tomorrow and also think about what I might do in the first episode of AIOTM
which is unbelievably back on Monday. Be great to see you at the Leicester Square Theatre, but you will be able to download for free as usual.
I had an interesting moral dilemma on the train that might be a good thing for the show. I found a packet of Quavers on the floor of the corridor, which I think it's safe to assume had just fallen off the trolley. Should I let the staff know that they had lost stock or was it Finders Keepers, Losers Weepers. I hadn't drunk enough coffee to make up the £30 short fall and had furthermore spent £8 on a small bowl of nasty pasta (and given a tip). I didn't really want the Quavers, but they were free. I decided to keep them and hastily scoffed them and put the packet down the side of my chair so that there was no way the police could work out what I had done. Though there were some Quaver crumbs on my shirt. But was this stealing? And should I have been honest anyway? Would the staff have the price of the crisps docked from their wages? And if they couldn't even keep the stuff on their trolley didn't they deserve to lose money and their job and die in the gutter?
I may explore the conundrum more in the show.
When I got home I went on amazon. As you know they recommend things you might like to buy based on recent purchases. I had bought some books on the psychology of love (for my new show) the other day and so most of my recommends were about love, but there was one that surprised me, both because it didn't seem very connected to anything I had bought and also because I couldn't believe it existed at all.It was (and only click on this if you want your recommendations full of the same thing) a book called Developmental Baby Massage. What the fuck? Why had they recommended that? And who would want such a thing? What kind of pervert would massage a baby?
But I found the cover hilarious too, not just because it was the stand up version of the book (whatever that may mean) but because the expression on the baby's face is brilliant. It's almost like he or she knows that what is going on is terribly, terribly wrong. But then having clicked on that book I was now trapped in the web because it now recommended loads of Baby Massage books for me. I didn't even know anyone would have even considered massaging a baby, let alone there would be a booming business in books about it. Someone should tell the police. I mean, look at this one.
But if I ever need to laugh, all I have to do is click on amazon and look at the face of that baby on the first book. It's brilliant.
But if the police come to the door now I won't know if it's about the Quavers or my browsing history.
