I did a recording for the radio show "Heresy" this evening. A car was meant to pick me up at 7pm, but by ten past there had been no knock at the door or phone call. I looked out the window to see that a car was waiting slightly up the road and guessed that it was meant for me. I headed out to check and the driver nodded when I said my name. "No one told me you were here, you know," I said.
The driver looked aghast and then using sign language and by picking up his phone he was clearly saying, "Didn't they call you?" But he wasn't saying this verbally and it was quickly apparent that he wasn't able to speak. My driver today was mute. I apologise if this is an offensive description to the non-speaking community. I'm guessing it is preferable to "dumb".
I don't think I have ever had a cab driver who is incapable of talking before, though quickly I realised that it was in almost every sense preferable to having a chat enabled cabbie. Apart from being a good source of material with their generally ludicrous and extreme views (such as the driver who once remarked to me - "George Michael, hey? All that money and he still chooses to put his cock in a man's hairy arse!" which led to a satisfying routine in Talking Cock), the prattling of the taxi driver is one of life's major irritants. Suddenly being in a car with one who was unable to say a thing made me think that it might not be a bad idea to remove the tongues and voice boxes of all licensed drivers. It could be a requirement of the profession, like the knowledge. I may be wrong, but I think some eunuchs had their tongues removed (along with the obvious loss) so that they couldn't reveal the secrets of the inner temples of vestal virgins. This could be another benefit of doing the same today with mini-cab operatives. In fact, why not also castrate them as well? It would probably significantly reduce the incidents of rape in the capital.
If I am ever made mayor of London (and Boris's victory gives me hope that I might be in with a chance) then I am definitely going to implement this policy. I think it's a definite vote winner.
