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My favourite tweeter in the whole world was up to his usual madness today. Lord Alan Sugar tweeted "I'm looking for a name for my new book, out in Autumn. It’s all about my 10 years in telly. To enter, see picture…"
The picture offered us the chance to name Lord Sugar’s forthcoming book about his life on TV. The prize for doing Lord Sugar and his publisher’s job for him was presumably the honour of coming up with a good name. I don’t know if this was laziness from the point of view of Lord Shugs, but if so it was surely going to be self-defeating. Surely he knew his timeline was now going to be full of people tweeting the same four basic “Sugar” and “You’re Fired” puns at him. He tried to preempt this by explaining that “You’re Fired” “You’re Hired” or “The Apprentice” would not be acceptable titles. Even though “You’re Fired” is clearly the title of this book and it’s ridiculous to pretend otherwise.
But this wasn’t going to stop smart arses tweeting him dozens of stupid and useless titles. And it wasn’t going to stop me.
I weighed in with the apposite “Firing Blanks” and then carried on with “Sweat at Sugar” (as I imagine Lord Alan has had to sweat a lot to get where he is today). Then I went for “Alan’s Story” (I really hope he chooses that one - what it lacks in a pun, it makes up for in being an accurate summation of the contents)
“I Remind Me of Me” would be a cracker (though you could add “at that age” on the end to be thorough and still correct).
Then I thought I’d reference his inability to say the world resume (as in CV - he calls it a Rezoomay) and suggested “Resume the Resume”.
Lord Sugar did not respond to any of these so far. Was that because they were so good that he was busy writing them down? Or did he really not like any of them.
So I tried "Sugar Cubed" (with pic of you as a Rubik's cube)
and "You're Fayed" (with picture of you pointing at someone called Fayed)
The difficulty was thinking of a pun that no one else would come up with - SO I tried “ Ass poo (n) full of sugar” (A spoonful of sugar), though to really work it would need him to contract some kind of rectal diabetes.
Next came "Ooooh Lord Me” (Oooh Lordy) which even I have to concede is probably not good enough. So I tried “Lord of the Bantz” and "My Cor-pick-you-mmmm Vitae” (Curriculum Vitae) which I like because Vitae means life (I think), making it a bit like “Mein Kampf” but a bit more cheeky and Mary Poppins.
Maybe “Amsbook” would work and be a clever paper based advert for his Amscreen service at the same time. And if he could get in a fist-fight with the Dragon’s Den lot he could go with “My Bloody Banatyne”. But he really needs to have a fight and win it for that one to work.
I might keep tweeting him suggestions for the rest of my life. I’ve also thought of “The Saucy LAS’ Apprentice” (sorcerer’s Apprentice, but the LAS stand for Lord Alan Sugar), “Ten Year is TV (that’s television, not transvestism)” though it might sell even better if the surprise ending was that he had been cross-dressing for a decade and “I Asked the Public To Come Up with the name of my book and this was the best they could do. Maybe next time I’ll just think of my own title. Which is let’s face it's one of the jobs of the author really. But I am so used to having Apprentices I find it difficult to achieve anything alone now"
