Warming Up

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My son woke me up this morning at 6am, pretending to be a puppy. I had to work this out myself, of course, because puppies can't talk, though the puppy did let slip that his name was Sweetcorn. Which is a great name for a dog - also it was the name of one of the brothers in the hotel that Ernie claimed his dad had built near Norwich - nice that he has honoured that brother in this way (did I ever mention that I looked up the guy who built the hotel and he had a son called Ernie and I think there were three sons in total? So it could be true).

I was already awake so Sweetcorn's snuffles and licks didn't rouse me from slumber and it was mildly annoying, but also incredibly sweet. If I woke up an adult by jumping on their bed and pretending I was a dog then I'd get into trouble, but I envied Sweetcorn for being able to start the day in such a silly and innocent way. Sweetcorn quickly turned back into Ernie once I suggest dog food for breakfast though.

I popped into the supermarket today and for the first time saw a tub of Carte D'or (French for "cart of gold" - the finest ice cream you can sell off the back of a cart) in the wild. Did I buy it? Of course I did.

The danger with a tub of this size is that it is in danger of negating the one real benefit of the lolly Solero - you are no longer restricted to a measurable 98 calorie portion. What if you start eating a tub and then find yourself carrying on eating the tub until you have eaten the whole tub (or its contents - you'd have to be a pretty serious addict to eat the actual tub, just because the plastic has been in close contact with Solero and is thus imbued with tiny particles of the delicious treat). Was I opening a can of worms here? I wish I was. I wouldn't eat more than one of those. The problem was I was going to open a tub of Solero and my whole life might be on the point of sliding into oblivion.

I certainly used to manage this feat with tubs of Haagen Daas back in the day. Blockbuster Video (who remembers them? Remember, we used to have to go to a shop and choose a film and watch it on tape! What was that all about? Oooh what a difference, Blockbuster video - selling this bit to Peter Kay) used to do an offer on two tubs (the full size ones, not individual portions) and there were times that I managed to consume both of those pretty much immediately.

The good thing about Solero is that it may be the nicest food stuff in the world, but it's also much too sweet and a bit horrible and it's no where near as nice as proper ice cream and thus one Solero is all you need. But my brain sees one container as one portion. I might be in trouble.

Of course I filmed my first encounter with the Solero, so you can see for yourself.

Why have Ian Solero and Ian Walls and Ian Carte and Ian Door not got in touch yet to sponsor me or offer me a lucrative ad campaign? It makes no sense. It's almost like a man who hates one of their products and is ambivalent to some of the others is not considered a good spokesman. But I am a good spokesman because I am honest. And tell me that Solero sales haven't been high for non-Solero season this year.

I will not tell you where I bought the Solero ice cream, because even though I don't like it very much, I still want it all. And I am going to go and eat some now. Even though it's currently 10.06. Even I am not immune to the power of my own advertising.

A retro ep of RHLSTP with Shaparak Khorsandi is now up for FREE and ad free on youtube.

Or, better for us, listen to it with minimal ads here. 

And exciting RHLSTP news, lovely monkey, timkey will be returning for another round on April 14th at the Leicester Square Theatre. You can still get £18.50 tickets as I write this, but be quick as they go up to £21 once we've sold 200. I think this one should sell out, but I have no idea what you motherfuckers want from me anymore, so who knows?