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I think about religion a lot. Way too much for someone who has decided it's not for him. But it's a fascinating part of human thinking whether it turns out to be true or obviously made up.
It's true I mainly write about Christianity, because that's the religion I was raised in, used to believe in (when I was 7) and which I know best. Also I like not being stabbed to death, so there's that as well. Thanks for turning the other cheek, guys. Don't forget to judge not, lest ye be judged. Everyone seems to be forgetting that one.
As my show
Christ on a Bike made clear, I am still a Christite - I love loads of stuff that Jesus said, mainly let he who is without sin clear the first stone. He doesn't need to be magic to make him impressive. In fact the less magic he is, the more impressed I am.
I've written jokes and sketches galore about Christianity, but something struck me for the first time today (maybe after seeing the inevitable cartoon of David Lynch arriving at the pearly gates), how did St Peter end up with such a crappy job.
Peter was the main one, right, apart from Jesus and his brother James (though your church probably doesn't want you to know about him). I'm not counting motey-eye Paul (though I am going to write a song about him, where did he come from, was it in Gaul? Where did he come from motey-eye Paul?). Peter was the rock (or maybe precious jewel depending on how you want to translate the Aramaic) that the church was built on and was the first Bishop of Rome. He also didn't mind when Jesus just decided to give him a completely different name. He was a good disciple, apart from cutting off that bloke's ear (according to John) and denying Jesus three times and ultimately got crucified for his faith.
You'd think he'd have a special bit of Heaven carved out for him, where he could be venerated and not have to do any more work. Instead they make him Heaven't bouncer, which surely has to be the crappiest job in the entire Holy Kingdom.
He has to greet every single person who has died and let them know whether they're coming in or going to the other place and presumably tell them why. Mostly it must be pretty tough to decide. Though there are a few people who are completely moral and good and a few who are obviously evil and wouldn't argue about it, most of the rest of us are a mixture of the two. We'll have done some unselfish stuff and prayed and obeyed half of the Ten Commandments, but we'll have done some coveting and cursing and been a bit of a dick when we're drunk, stolen some stuff and been mean or worse to other people. I don't know how they decide who gets in and who doesn't. There must be some leeway and feeling sorry for your crimes must help - the Prodigal Son is in there for example - but it must be at least touch and go for most people and St Peter will have to take a few minutes explaining each decision and presumably get quite a lot of kickback from people who thought they were good, but have a rose-tinted view of themselves or worshipped the wrong deity or the wrong version of the right deity. Fifty per cent of Christians will be out for either believing or not believing that the wine and bread literally turn into Jesus blood and body. I can't imagine God is letting that slide for anyone who got it wrong. Particularly if they made a big fuss about definitely being right whilst they were alive.
It's a never ending job as well. People are dying all the time. And it's not like St Peter can have any time off. It has to be him. Imagine getting to Heaven and finding that St Peter is on is break and St Thaddeus is stepping in for ten minutes. It'd be like going to the theatre to see a big star and getting the fucking understudy. This is my big moment, I want the proper guy.
So Peter has to do this tortuous and confrontational job 24/7/365/about 2000 (and counting).
About 100 billion people have died since he died on that cross. That's a lot of pencils and clipboards he's been through. About 170,000 people die every day, approximately two every second. Even if time slows down a bit in Heaven that's a lot of relentless work. Even if only one in ten people want to make a scene about not getting in.
If that's what you get for denying Jesus three times, but otherwise being an excellent sport, then what hope is there for any of us?
If it has to be a disciple, give it to Thomas, for doubting something, even though he'd apparently witnessed countless miracles and must have known that Jesus was definitely God's son and so could easily come back to life. That prick deserves to have 170,000 people a day arguing the toss with him and doubting that his list is right.
Or perhaps it's actually the sort of worse than Hell punishment that should be given to Judas.
"Listen mate, you betrayed our Lord which was not cool, but the thing is you had to do that so that everyone could be ultimately saved, so we used you like a pawn in the whole enterprise. That doesn't absolve you completely obviously - shouldn't have done it, especially given you knew he was the Son of God cos you'd seen all the miracles - BUT your punishment/reward is to stand outside Heaven and let everyone who ever dies from now on know if they get in or not. You're going to have to deal with some arguments and some pissed off religious people who thought they were praying to the right God or following the right branch of Christianity and it's going to go on for about 2000 years, before you suddenly get 10 billion more people more or less all arriving at once, but once you're done you can lock up and come in and have some Ambrosia rice pudding. It's that or burning forever."
So if being Heaven's bouncer is what Jesus does for his best friend, then Christ knows what he's got in store for me.
