I tuned into Comic Relief's "Let's Dance" with some interest, mainly because I had been asked to do it this year, though had been unable to do so because of my tour commitments. If I am honest I was relieved to have the decision made for me, for whilst it's great that people are looning around to make money for a worthy cause, I think the potential for severe embarrassment, live on national TV might not be worth saving the lives of tiny children. With Mastermind I was at least slightly in my comfort zone in that I would be using my brain and am good at answering questions (though I was still afraid my brain might flip out and be no help to me at all), but dancing for the entertainment of the British public, most of whom would have no idea who I was...?
Thinking about it though I have already danced live on the BBC. In what was I believe the final episode of This Morning With Richard Not Judy, I opened the show
with this, which whilst bold, and incorporating singing and dancing at the same time, probably shows why it is best that I don't try it again. We rehearsed that routine a lot and you'll notice the director still chose to keep my feet out of shot most of the time.
It's lucky for us all that I was unavailable. But it was fun to see many of my comedic contemporaries having a go at it, with varying degrees of success. Lovely Rebecca Front did a terrific Bjork, though perhaps the song was a bit limiting and only briefly gave her the chance to show off that she's actually an excellent hoofer. Russell Kane went the traditional route to success and dressed up as a woman, in this case Beyonce, and predictably he got through. Deservedly so, I think, because he put his heart and soul into it, but for me and many other heterosexual men up and down the country it seems it was a disconcerting few minutes, because Kane had been given a wig and false breasts and looked surprisingly alluring. I have certainly never looked at him in this way before and he didn't exactly look like a woman. But nor did he look like a man, but some wonderful, alluring combination of the two. I didn't know whether to pluck out my eyes or to pull out my cock, but if comedy doesn't work out for Kane he has a fine career as a high class dancing hooker. Congratulation to Russell on his success and if you're reading this, call me. I bet you anything you like that he keeps the costume. In fact I wouldn't be that surprised if it was his beforehand.
I thought I would never see anything as confusing again in my life, but then Katie Price appeared dressed as Freddie Mercury, complete with moustache and underarm hair and most bamboozingly massive fake breasts (did they have to squash her actual massive fake breasts up to get them into the pretend massive fake breasts?) and again the nation reeled and felt a bit strange in its tummy. It says a lot that if I had had to have sex with Jordan or Kane to save my life I would have chosen Kane. In fact even if my life wasn't in danger I might have given it a pop. But the ambiguous combination of male and female is an interesting look and I suspect tonight proves if nothing else that hermaphrodites are best and that almost certainly homo sapiens is going to evolve into a species with only one sex, a combination of the two we have already and that everyone will be super horny all the time as a result. If there was a God he would have made us this way anyway, so that we had the option for any kind of sex we wanted with any person we met. You could have straight sex in either direction or homosexual sex, alternating between who was the postman or the letterbox and every man in the world would be happy (or at least the man part of every person in the world, as there would be no actual men) because everyone could lez up with everyone. In fact you could lez up with someone and bum them or have straight sex with them at the same time. Every sexual encounter would be like an orgy, but you wouldn't even have been unfaithful to the person you loved. Come on God, what were you thinking? You'd have got to watch all this too. You massive prick.
I don't think there is a person in the world who wants a one on one orgy with a person who has all orifices - and maybe a couple of extra ones we don't have and possibly three heads. If I was God that's what we'd have, so do bear that in mind whenever the next God elections come up.
