The curse of becoming the world's oldest person has
struck again. When ever a new champion is crowned the pressure of being the oldest seems to become too much for them because they nearly always die within months. You look back through the records. All the people awarded this honour have lived for over 110 years before it is bestowed on them without any problems, heart still beating, lungs still breathing, but the minute that they're the oldest something changes and they fade away in a matter of weeks. It is spooky the regularity with which this phenomenon occurs. You'd think just once one of them would carry on at the crease. They're lived 115 years without dying, so you'd think they could do another 115 just as easily, but it's hard to find one that's even managed a single year. Is someone going round putting poison in their tea? Someone jealous of their success? When you look at the solidity of these statistics you have to agree that it's astonishing that the police have shown no interest in getting involved. If it was any other world record and the holders were dying with such predictable regularity then I think there would be an outcry. What if the 100 metre world record holders never lasted a year? You'd think someone would be suspicious. But with the old age record no one bats an eyelid.
If I was the new record holder Besse Cooper I would be shitting myself (and at that age there's a possibility that was happening anyway) - you bide my words. I don't think Besse will live to see the end of 2012. In fact I would be surprised if she's still around at the end of 2011. That's how quickly these assassins are working. You see if I am wrong. Hopefully someone else will spot the pattern and make a move to give her round the clock surveillance. But it's hard to know who to trust. I think the authorities are in on this.
Besse Cooper interestingly has held the title of world's oldest person twice, which is quite an impressive feat. She was acknowledged as the oldest, but then Maria Gomes Valentim appeared from nowhere to nick the record off her, but Cooper came right back and retook the title. You have to admire that kind of perspicacity, especially in someone that age. Though the loss of the title surely has to make Besse Cooper a suspect in the death of Valentim and possibly all the other oldest person in the world fatalities. If all the other old people keep on dying and Cooper is still live and kicking then I think we'll know who to blame.
But it also struck me that for those of you who have not yet
been kissed by someone from the 19th Century opportunities are getting few and far between, so you'll have to get your skates on. @Mohumb pointed out on Twitter that technically it was still possible to kiss someone from the 19th Century who had in turn been kissed by someone from the 18th Century. It's unlikely I guess - I don't know how many people got to be 100 in 1799 and they'd have had to kiss someone who would also get to be over 110. Probably still someone out there who ticks both boxes, but you might look a bit weird if you rushed in there with a baby and asked them to kiss it, in the hope that that baby would live to the 22nd Century and be just two kisses removed from someone from the 18th. Maybe you should take fifty or so babies to up the odds. A few people joined in the debate, several of them speculating about how few kisses it would take to go back centuries. It's like six degrees of Kevin Bacon. How many kisses would we have to go back to link to Napoleon or Henry VIII or Jesus? We must all kiss each other as much as possible to raise the odds and chances of success. If Jesus kissed a baby on his walk up the hill at Calvary and that baby lived to be 80 and kissed a baby and so on, realistically (allowing for shorter lives) we might link to Jesus in 20 or 30 kisses. A kiss can be so brief and yet it can span so much time.
I fear if you gave Besse Cooper a baby to kiss she would attempt to suck the life out of it so that she might live for eternity. She doesn't care who has to die in order for her to continue her reign of terror.
I was amused by
this clip of me and Andrew Collings in happier and less duplicitous time. We had so many conversations on 6Music that I had forgotten this one entirely, but it's enjoyable to hear it again. And I have signed up to soundcloud myself, though haven't posted anything yet and I am not sure what I will do with it, but if you want to follow me and see what you get (I suspect I might mainly use it for Me 1 vs Me 2 style contests)
this is where I am.
And look
I finally updated my gig guide to include all my gigs until September. I am traveling around with previews a fair bit, so check it out. I will be touring the long version of the show in Spring 2012 and I will let you know as soon as those dates are all confirmed, so don't ask me if I am coming to your town just yet. After this year's killer tour I think I will be playing fewer gigs in larger venue, so sorry if I don't make it your town - but I should be coming close enough to nearly everywhere for you to make it.
