Chipping Norton tonight and I was having trouble navigating the perilously tight roads and steep inclines exacerbated tonight by road works. Whilst I am pretty good at driving a car forwards at speed I seem to have real problems getting my head around what I am meant to do if reversing. There's a steep camber up to the theatre entrance and it became clear I couldn't park there, so I had to go down the hill backwards and try to work out how to negotiate the tight corner and get the car facing the right way.
My brain does not work well trying to visualise in three dimensions - those IQ tests which ask you to construct a cube from a selection of possible 2D designs bamboozle me. I am pretty sharp with numbers and words and with lateral thinking, but when it comes to moving backwards in a car, in front of an audience of people sitting drinking outside the pub to add to the pressure, all I get is hot cheeks and an empty head.
My girlfriend was on hand to offer advice fortunately and told me that I needed to go forwards again and turn the steering wheel hard to the left (or was it the right? I have learned nothing from this) and then I'd be able to reverse at the necessary angle.
In our relationship at least the male and female stereotypes to not hold true. I am pretty useless with maps and reversing my car - I don't think she's brilliant either actually. We're both women. I suppose we are effectively lesbians. Which makes all my dreams come true. Nice!
A lady leaving the theatre gave us her parking space, but I had to squeeze up a slope right by some roadworks and then find somewhere to back into so that she could get past me. By now I had lost pretty much all concept of space and time but somehow I managed to get into Chipping Norton without chipping the paint on my car.
I had been to the theatre
in 2008 but had not remembered it until I arrived. All the towns and theatres blend into one a bit, though the Chipping Norton theatre is a not like anywhere else - not only did I remember having to reverse down the slope, but also the theatre itself is rather quaint - quite tiny, but with an ornate balcony - looking a bit like a doll's house theatre, which has been magically enlarged by some kind of ray gun, but the ray gun ran out of energy before the transformation was complete.
The show went well - my other commitments still mean that the only time I have to work on it is on stage and I can't wait to do some reading and thinking about the subject - but the hour I have somehow magically come up with is working pretty well.
But there was no time to bathe in the warmth of the slightly shockable Chipping Norton audience. I now had to get my car out of the tiny parking space, turn it around on the narrow road and then get it back down the slope, past the roadworks and out of town.
I have realised in the last couple of days that I hadn't really ever understood what power steering was for and had completely forgoten about that little trick where you start turning your steering wheel back the other way when you're doing a three point turn. It's incredible that I have been driving for ten years and don't understand so much about my car. But the turning was the easy part. I got stuck as I came down the slope and tried to get around the roadworks. I was coming in at the wrong angle, the road was narrow and the pavement on the far side was incredibly high. I realised I was going to knock over the sign and plastic fence surrounding the roadworks if I didn't reverse and try and come in again. I was, once again, being watched by the crowd of drinkers outside the pub and once again my brain refused to come up with any possible solutions. If I'd been alone it would have had to have been a case of trial and error or I think I might just have got out of the car and abandoned it and walked back to London, but two female brains added together were able to solve the conundrum - really just one female brain managed it, but let's give us both some credit. I did scrape the sign and knock the fencing a bit with the driver's side of the car. I opened the door to check I hadn't knocked anything over (mainly though, if I am honest, because there were so many witnesses - I'd have been out of there like a shot otherwise) but no harm had been done to anything but the last shred of masculinity that remains somewhere in my chest.
I live my life without a reverse gear. That's not a metaphor.
I am running a half marathon for SCOPE on 9th October at the Royal Parks - why don't you do it to?
Details of how to sign up here. I will be setting up a page so that you can sponsor me if you wish. It's only 13 miles, and I've done a full marathon (seven years ago), so this will be a walk in the park (probably literally).
I can announce now that as well as Pappy's, Isy Suttie and Andy Zaltzman, Jon Richardson will be trying out some new material at the Lyric Hammersmith on Sunday. It's an amazing line up and you can get two tickets for £15 when you quote 'JUNELAUGHS' using the new promo code section at
The Lyric website Unbelievable bargain!
And if you are too lazy, illiterate or blind to read this blog online (or if you just fancy hearing me reading it) I am going to try recording them for you and putting them out on soundcloud (because Michael Legge does that and I must copy him at all times)
Yesterday's blog is here. And no doubt today's will follow. We will see how it goes. Let me know if you enjoy it. Or not.
