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Phoebe forces me to stop in my tracks and stops me working too hard and on a day like today when I should really be having a day off, she makes me have a day off. From writing anyway. She’s like a full-time job in herself of course. And I felt that it was only fair that I did most of the work today after my prolonged absence. It’s a challenge but it’s a rewarding one and any parent who doesn’t muck in with the muck, tears and laughter is really missing out. It’s like an extremely long and intricate task on the Crystal Maze, though with a bit more jeopardy if things go wrong.
It becomes a lot more difficult when you’re on your own, so things like showering yourself or making your own dinner or going to the toilet or doing anything at all become very difficult. And it’s not like you can just sit back and play as there’s endless washing up of bottles and dirty clothes and you filling the dishwasher. But this has given me a purpose that I lacked before and it’s nice to think that something I am doing is actually useful. The baby is sometimes asleep giving you a chance to catch up on chores or have a nap (never happened for me) or write a blog (I was writing a line every thirty minutes with the entry I wrote today). When the baby is crying it’s usually because she is hungry, but it might be because her nappy is dirty or because she has trapped wind, or maybe because she’s over tired and wants to sleep (well crying about it isn’t going to help, you idiot). But if you’ve fed her, burped her ( I am excellent at this and extremely proud of the deafening burps my tiny daughter is capable of - can’t wait until I am taking an Ascension Day service in St Andrew’s church and she interrupts me) change her nappy and cleaned her bum and she’s still crying then it’s very hard to know what to do next. You can try to entertain, though most of my comedy is way too sophisticated for a six week old (though weirdly it all worked when she was 2 days old) and I have got quite good at surprising her into silence by making unexpected noises that are still weird for someone who is only a month and a half old. I will try and give a selection on the audio version of this podcast (if I ever get time to put that together). But sometimes, like this afternoon you’ve checked all the bases, sung songs, jogged up and down the stairs with the baby in your arms, squeaked every toy at her and she’s still pissed off and there’s no way of knowing what it’s about. I know they’re only babies, but they should really have come up with a more effective communication system than just crying about everything that isn’t perfect. Tell me what’s wrong? Have you got a stomach ache? Do I smell funny? Do you find my comedy too juvenile? Just say it. Or make a different sound for each thing.
There are clues for hunger and wind and when the strain of defecation is getting too much, but I don’t need clues for those ones. I need to know what the unspecified 60 minutes of moaning and crying is about. And if it was that serious, why does it just stop after a bit?
I have remained patient and the piercing crying is not jarring with me yet. The good bits are just too good to let the bad bits get to me, but also I missed her so much when I was away that it would be churlish to complain about this. On top of this she was wearing a top that said "I Love Daddy" and I presume she picked that out herself. So if she loves me then I am happy to act as her devoted slave.
Of course she will never know what she put us through (and I am sure I never behaved like this as a baby), though I am thinking of filming her for 24 hours and then make her sit down on every birthday and watch it all so she can apologise to us for her selfishness.
We did manage to get her to sleep in the evening and I made some pasta and we had a beer and we watched “The Walking Dead” and it felt like a terrific end to a bewildering day. I would have been disoriented and tired without a baby after coming back from tour, so I appreciated the distraction. And the unsolvable mystery of what could make a baby who has landed in such a lucky situation so unhappy with their lot. You wait, girl, there will come a time when you have to get your own dinner and wipe your own arse and there isn’t someone rushing to help every time you feel a bit bilious. You should be enjoying this time because it doesn’t get any better than this.
I volunteered to sleep in the baby’s room and gave my wife the night off too. But I really didn’t mind it. I seemed to wake up when Phoebe woke up, but before she’d started complaining and she went straight back to sleep after each feed. Except at 5am, but then she lay beside me, alert and smiling up at me with such joy that it would have been difficult not to feel blessed to be kept awake by her.
There's a load more stuff up on
my ebay page. Mostly memorabilia but also my old laptop case. It's a great laptop case. You should buy it.
The tour comes to Southend, Aldershot (SOLD OUT - check with venue for returns), Cambridge and Shoreham-by-Sea (SOLD OUT - but might be returns) this week. Cambridge is selling well so maybe book ahead, but there's no way that I will sell 600 tickets in Southend (I am delighted that I've sold over 200) so you can turn up on the night on Wednesday.
All details for the tour are here.
