As an older man I am finding the traveling around the country to gigs to be exhausting. Much more so than it was five years ago when I started getting back into stand up. Driving to somewhere like Nottingham and back for one gig just takes a massive chunk out of two days and when I have lots on... I am not sure I can really justify doing it outside of a tour situation any more. Not for a one off gig. Which is a shame because last night, slapping aside was a brilliant gig. And it's actually quite theatrical and cool to be slapped. What other medium gives the audience that outlet of response? Not that I am justifying violence. Assault is assault and I'd much rather have a conversation. But I talked about the experience on stage tonight, so as usual any negative experience can be turned into something positive and funny when you're a comedian. I went through all the things I had done and tried to work out what might have upset her so. It was funny. As long as you're not killed or incapacitated anything bad makes for great comedy. Luckily I wasn't even hurt.
But the Nottingham gig was soon behind me and the long drive head loomed. That's what makes it all so tiring.
I didn't get home until the early hours of the morning. My girlfriend had been accompanying me, hoping for a romantic trip to "The Tales of Robin Hood" though we didn't make it in time.
Oh haven't I mentioned her?
I've been going out with her all year, you idiots. Didn't you even know that yet? But I haven't mentioned her before because a) it's none of your business, b) because she hasn't done anything funny before.
Anyway now all the hard work and meals and presents she's been getting have been worth it as she's given me a story that is worthy of a routine. I tried it out tonight and it went pretty well, so I'll try and get it down while I remember.
We were home in the early hours of the morning and we soon went to bed. I lit some candles because I am romantic, ever hopeful and because when you're my age it's good to keep the lighting as subdued as is humanly possible. The wick of one of the candles had got a bit stuck in melted and now solidified wax and needed to be teased out a bit, but I couldn't be bothered with that, so lit it and hoped for the best. It barely took and the flame seemed to dwindle and die, but the other candle caught, so I wasn't too bothered.
I soon realised I was too tired for anything but sleep and said, "I'd better blow the candle out in case we fall asleep," and did so. And then fell asleep. An hour or so my girlfriend woke me up in a bit of a panic, that only comes from being weary and half asleep. The other candle was now alight and this fact had spooked her. "You blew the candle out, but now it's alight." I knew that all that had happened was that the candle I thought had gone out on its own had somehow kept burning and rescued its own wick and was now burning properly. I tried to explain this, but was exhausted and half asleep and not making sense.
But what was she worried about? Did she think someone had managed to break into the house and sneak into my bedroom and then thought, "Well, I'm in now, I can do anything. I can steal all their stuff. Or tie them up and force them to be my sex slaves. But first I am going to light a candle! Oh yeah, that'll be fun. Burning the wax that they have paid for. I like nothing better than sneaking into people's homes and lighting their candles. This is brilliant!"
But I must admit that without the information that I had it was quite a frightening thing to wake up to. The sort of thing that might happen in a horror film.
I was relieved that we'd noticed the candle and not let it burn out and maybe cause a fire, but just blew it out and fell back to sleep. But my girlfriend was still panicking. A few minutes later she turned on the bedroom light and looked under the bed.
Now what was she thinking? This person who liked to break into homes and light candles had been enjoying his mischief, when he sensed someone stirring and thought, "Shit, my candle lighting crime is about to be discovered. I'd better hide. There's nowhere else to go. I'd better get under the bed!" He's bold enough to break and enter and bold enough to start setting fire to stuff, but if he thinks that anyone might see him he becomes all shy and desperate.
And what would she have done if he had been under there? And what would he have done? Said, "Oh hello! Sorry. Just been lighting candles! I'll go now." Probably best if you have a candle lighting maniac under your bed, just to leave him be and pretend that you don't know he is there and hope that lighting candles is all he is into.
Anyway her reaction was funny and sweet and born out of weariness and when I told the story on stage it really came alive - though when it came to ending it I could only manage an ironic and over played, "Women, hey?" Though I said it to a woman to enhance the irony. And she didn't slap me so I must have been doing something right.
