Six years. That's (I think) 2192 entries. Maybe 2193 including this one. Every single fucking day. Is this a record? Has anyone else managed to keep a blog every single day for that length of time? I'd be interested to hear from you if you have. To find out what kind of a maniac you are. Though I will admit that there are a few days, especially early on, where I wrote as near to nothing as it is possible to write. It's a testament to something. Something bad or stupid. But at least it's a testament. How long will I keep going? Why am I doing it? Why don't I just stop?
All good questions.
But Happy 6th Birthday Warming Up. How long before you're being read by someone who wasn't even born when it began? A few more years I hope, but if you're 5 years old and reading this, please stop. I am too rude.
Little wanker.
Last night I lay in bed alone, having not lit any candles (I don't need to romance myself), worrying what I would do if I turned to see that the magic candle had lit itself again. I was a bit too scared to look. What if it had been a ghost or a candle lighting, under-bed-hiding pervert all along? I guess I was wrong to be so mocking of illogical paranoia.
I recorded the links for the final episode of my Radio 4 series, "Bad Habits" this afternoon. Ironically for a show mainly about laziness and avoiding work it has been a lot of work (more for my producer Lucy than for me though) and it felt good to be finally putting it to bed. As usual when I arrived at the production company offices I had to sign in and as usual when it came to putting which company I was from (which seems to be requisite on all such forms) I put in a stupid joke name. Even though I am 41, or maybe moreso because I am 41, I enjoy playing this childish prank, that no one will ever spot, thumbing my nose at the world of business and at the idea of growing up. It's more funny (or tragic) because it's a joke that has (until now) been entirely for myself. I've been doing this for years and pretty much always put something stupid in that space. Most of the time it is based around the notion of Fisting. This is because when this all first started Stew and me did have a limited company called "Fist of Fun", which our money got paid into and which then paid us a regular wage (mainly to stop us spending everything at once - not that there was very much to spend). So usually I write something like "Fisting Inc". It makes me feel happy to think that that is on an official form, even though it will never get noticed by anyone and probably not even be read. Today, I decided to improvise a bit and move away from the general fisting theme and was going to write something about spunk, but halfway through I lost my nerve. That seemed a bit extreme. What if someone important saw what I'd written and I got called into their office to explain myself? I might get detention.
So incredibly I half-heartedly wimped out and wrote that my business was called "Spun K Productions", which is pathetic almost beyond belief. It still says Spunk, but I wasn't brave enough to make it one word, and hoped that breaking it up would get me off the hook. But if the boss of the company happened to see it he could still call me into his office and say, "Are you from Spun K productions?"
I could try and bluff it out and say that I was.
"Well show me your card or some letterhead or any evidence that such a company exists."
"Oh, I er left my wallet at home."
"That's interesting, because I have been on the internet and also phoned companies house and there is nothing about Spun K productions. There is loads about spunk productions. I can tell you it is probably something that any 5 year old readers of your blog would want to google. But Spunk K productions does not exist. You are guilty of the most heinous of crimes, fraud on a signing in book and as such will be given the maximum sentence for this crime, two weeks detention. Come and see me after work and you'll have to sit by my desk copying out the signing in book to teach you a lesson. That signing in book is a serious thing and not there for puerile jokes. What if there was a fire and the receptionist had to run around the burning building trying to find the representative of a non-existent company?"
"Surely he'd just ask my name and not my company when he was ticking me off in his book."
"No, because there might be two Richard Herrings in the building."
"I would explain that the Spun K Productions one was me really."
"The receptionist could not take your word for this in an emergency situation. What if you were trying to kill Richard Herring from Spun K Productions and were deliberately trying to get him trapped in a burning building?"
"It doesn't seem very likely."
"In the world of business we cannot take the risk. You must learn that the serious signing in book must be respected at all times and that by you writing swear words in it, even broken up into two words, you are breaking a sacred code. And also are pathetic. Spun K productions? Really? Were you proud of that?"
"No, I was immediately ashamed. But I couldn't cross it out. It would just draw attention to it."
So that's how I pass my time.
And I can not think of a more worthy 2193rd entry than that. Happy birthday readers. It's been quite a ride. A Spun Ky ride
