My life of crime continues - today saw another run in with the pigs (it's over four months since I was
last talking to one of our fine police officers).
I was cycling down to the gym but having a coffee first so once I got to Hammersmith I took a short cut across the square outside of the Lyric Theatre. Of course I should have got off my bike, but the square was quite empty of people and so I illegally cruised across this pedestrian area.
Now I hate it when cyclists break the law by riding on pavements or speeding through red lights, unless it is me. I feel I am capable of judging when and where I can safely go the wrong way up a one way street or cycle in a pedestrian bit or cross through a light that I shouldn't be going through. Of course most cyclists probably feel they also have good judgement, but there are cases where breaking the rules can be dangerous and annoying. A cyclist working their way through a crowded pavement is infuriating and I was once nearly knocked over by someone speeding through a red light at a pedestrian crossing in the dark, when I was running, which would have resulted in at least serious injury. But of course even though I think I know what I am doing I am a terrible hypocrite.
Anyway, today as I freewheeled across the empty square I saw a group of what I thought were traffic wardens gathered to one side. One of them stepped out in front of me and indicated for me to stop. It was only then that I realised that he was in fact a community police officer. He was very courteous and fair, but explained that I was cycling in a pedestrian zone and he would have to write me up. I made a show of pretending that I hadn't realised this counted as a pedestrian area and bless him he didn't say "Oh fuck off, you knew."
He admitted that he was partly only writing me up because they had just stopped a guy who was cycling dangerously and causing a fuss and so even though I hadn't been moving in a dangerous way he would have to give me a ticket. I didn't know at this stage if this would include a fine or a prison sentence, but felt it was all fair enough. I had been caught red cycled.
As the policeman started explaining all this to me a couple of young girls came up and asked for directions. Once he had done so they said "Respect!" and bumped fists with him. It was all rather sweet, even if the kids were taking the piss a bit.
Anyway then the process of documenting my crime began and it took a surprisingly long time. It crossed my mind to give a false name and address just in case I was going to get into any trouble, but I am glad I didn't as when I gave my name, the policeman looked at me and said "You're on TV aren't you?"
He then took my DOB, address and my description including what I was wearing. He asked me to choose my ethnicity from a list. I decided I was White (Northern European). It took a long time. But the officer was very charming and unaggressive and I was quite enjoying the process. He apologised for holding me up and then said' "I hope this isn't going to end up in a sketch!"
"You never know your luck!" I told him.
"Knowing my luck it will do," he laughed.
"I am just hoping I get accused of a crime somewhere else at the same time and that this document will prove my innocence," I said, which if I had been him I would have thought was a rather suspicious thing to say, but he just laughed.
He gave me a copy of the ticket and sent me on my way. I decided not to get back on the bike. His name according to the form is Young. He did an excellent job and was a credit to community policing and even though it is a minor infraction I am glad that the police are clamping down on this kind of thing, because cyclists can be a real pain and I was breaking the law.
As I pushed my bike away I heard someone shouting my name and looked up to see the stage manager from the Lyric shows looking down at me from the roof terrace, laughing and barracking me, congratulating me on my criminality.
I hope the report goes on to a file somewhere and can be viewed in hundreds of years time by anyone interested, so they can see the terrible person that I was. On the plus side as I pushed my bike away I knew that I had a definite warming up entry in the bag, so my punishment was its own reward.
